In order to enjoy the movie Old Dogs, now playing at the Darien Playhouse, you need to have an extraordinary ability to suspend your disbelief.
And while you're at it, suspend your intelligence and your wit.
In this Disney comedy (Disney? It's hard to believe), directed by Walter Becker, the "old dogs," John Travolta and Robin Williams, run through some tasteless and formulaic comedy-slash-poignant scenes at top speed, cramming as much father-not-having-time-for-the-kids shtick as possible into an hour and a-half.
It starts with a quick montage of the characters' entire lives, thus explaining their incredibly loyal friendship despite their lack of having anything in common. We are told that Dan, played by Williams, is the boring numbers guy, and Charlie, played by Travolta, is the funny womanizing guy. We are told that Dan is bad with children. (I guess if you're big-time Hollywood stars you don't have to worry about the basics of character and plot development).
Then we get another montage of a drunken trip that Dan takes to get over his divorce. This trip includes Dan's unfortunate (and un-funny) tattoo and his quickie marriage to Vicki (played by Kelly Preston). The marriage is annulled and we hastily segue to seven years later, when Vicki reappears. Again, Charlie convinces Dan to do something risky and ridiculous: get a spray-on tan right before meeting her. The results are funny for about five seconds, but they play it for five minutes. Then suddenly, with a brief explanation in the dialog, the tan is magically gone. It's like a cartoon. An outlandish scenario develops, and then it's abandoned and forgotten, as if it never happened.
Then we are informed of the plot: Vicki has to go to prison and, surprise surprise, she has twins that Dan didn't know about, and he's the father! The un-kid-friendly Dan offers to take the kids for two weeks. This preposterous scenario is the result of a particularly un-funny scene in which Dan closes a car trunk on the woman's hands who's supposed to be taking care of the kids. Slapstick ensues while he tries to get her hands out; meanwhile, she looks like she's being dismembered.
Hasn't this plot, of suddenly learning you are a parent and suddenly getting stuck with kids even though you're not a kid person, been done before? Yes, The Game Plan, starring the Rock, did it, but that movie was actually good.
It seems that to compensate for the lack of originality, the movie lurches from one unbelievable and yet somehow familiar scene to another; all at top speed, accompanied by loud, peppy music and overacting actors. (The enthusiasm so relentlessly portrayed by these actors is exhausting to look at.)
The bachelors have to find a place for the kids to stay in New York, they have to get their place childproofed, then they suddenly must take the kids to camp. The camp sequence in itself could be dissected as a perfect example of a bad movie. There's a scene, played by Matt Dillon with tearful irony, in which a statue of a patriarch is revered and then, predictably, shot apart by one of our main characters; there's a supposed bonding experience with the children that involves them sitting on the sidelines while the men play a violent game of Frisbee football; there's another quick departure.
Again, hasn't this all been done before? I was reminded of The Parent Trap, Mr. Troop Mom with George Lopez, any and all boot-camp movies.
And the conflict: the two friends are supposed to be pitching their Biggest Deal Ever while all of this parenting shtick is going on. Reminiscent of the movie RV, also starring Robin Williams, but, again that was funny whereas this is not.
I did laugh a few times. No belly laughs, but a couple of pretty good chuckles. There are a few funny moments, most of which you can see by just watching the trailer, thereby saving yourself the $8.50 for a ticket.
One interesting thing about this movie is the remarkable number of cameo performances by stellar actors: Matt Dillon, Justin Long, Dax Shepard, Luis Guzman, Amy Sederis, Ann-Margaret, Bernie Mac. Seth Green has some good moments. I found myself wishing the plot would abandon the pretense of caring about the children and follow him. These are great actors, but none of them has enough screen time to make a difference in the movie. You will be very sick of looking at Travolta and Williams by the end of this thing.
And, perhaps I'm the only one, but for me it was weird to see Kelly Preston, John Travolta's wife, playing Robin Williams's girlfriend. Something ick about that.
Actually, it was kind of sad to see these brilliant actors humiliate themselves in this movie (the overacting, the banal jokes, the ridiculous costumes, the jokes at the expense of their aging bodies).
I went to the Playhouse on a Monday night, and there were only two other people in the theater with me. They were laughing a lot more than I was. Perhaps they were drunk? I don't know. Perhaps if you really like bathroom humor, homophobe humor, repeating humor, jokes about age, slapstick reactions to pharmaceuticals, a stupid tattoo that appears time and again, repeating humor (everything seems to be done at least twice), people misbehaving at a bereavement group, someone getting hit in the crotch, and then someone else getting hit in the crotch (the twice rule), then perhaps you will find this funny.
Should kids see Old Dogs? I think it's too terrible even for kids, but the politically-incorrect parent might want to try it on them. But wait for the DVD at the library!
Darien Playhouse showtimes: 7 p.m. Running time: 1 hour 28 minutes. Rated PG.
