Don't Get Technical With Me

I’m still mourning.  The battery in my cell phone died.  No big deal, or so I thought.  I’ll just get a new one, right?  Wrong!

 “I need a new battery for my phone.” I said to the overly perky salesperson.

 “Well, here’s the thing…” she began and I knew right away she was selling me a casket and the plot complete with headstone.

“The phone works fine, it’s just the battery.” I interrupt.

“We can’t get a battery. Technically, I’m pretty sure they don’t even make that phone anymore.” She said. I swear I could hear her sales commission ‘cha-ching-ing’ every time she bat her cute little eyelashes.

I am not tech-savvy.  It’s not my fault. I blame my mother for this. She refuses to own a cordless phone, and the cord on her phone is only three feet long. But, at least she won’t lose it in the freezer or washing machine.  Now, she does have the Internet, but she calls me to look things up for her – and she always gives the website address proceeded by the ‘www dot’.  When I ask why she doesn’t look it up, she tells me the phone cord doesn’t reach that far.  I don’t get it.  If, by some outrageous circumstance, she needs to make a call from a cell phone she shouts to the person on the other end. It must be some sort of flashback to the tin can and string thing.  And, now this is a good one, she uses her microwave for a breadbox.

When I need to retrieve voice messages at home, from the ‘home-phone’, I no longer have a machine that I can just push the ‘play’ button on.  I have to push about 87 numbers, in the correct sequence, before someone – the voice on the ‘home-phone’ – interrupts me and I have to start over. There’s no surprise about the increase of carpal tunnel syndrome or the amount of anti-anxiety medications consumed.   Now, if I forget these numbers, I ask my eleven-year-old what I need to dial.   He does not understand the word ‘dial’ because nothing today needs to be dialed. You press buttons…on the phone…on the remote, on the microwave, when it’s not being used to store bread.

So, I will press on. I purchased a new phone with all the accessories.  Now, I just have to figure out how it works.  I could ask my son for help but he thinks voice messages are ‘animated’ not ‘automated’ – he’s probably right, but I wouldn’t know. Technically speaking, genetics are to blame.