Got Ants?...Get Riot Control Gear

I saw a carpenter ant today in my house.  Though it was the only one I had seen this year, I was quite concerned by its presence.  It was the size of a miniature Chihuahua.  How a Chihuahua can be miniaturized I wasn’t sure, but apparently it has been done. 

My first thought was to step on it, which I did, but then I started to think about the possibility of there being more than just this one.  It must have a family, I thought as I peered down at its corpse.  Probably a very large extended family that would be mad about what I had done.  I first Googled ‘Riot Control’, on the Internet. Found nothing to help me there, so I checked ‘Pest Control’.  I was flabbergasted by the amount of information I saw. 

“This is such a serious problem,” I whispered, so ‘the family’ wouldn’t know what I was up to. I decided to heed the professionals’ advice. 

I printed what was helpful and formulated my plan, drawing schematics and highlighting the pertinent blurbs and bullets. The first tidbit I noted was: Try to determine whether the ants are coming from a nest that’s inside or outside. 

Then I read that this might be difficult. So, rather than go outside to ask them, I decided I would handle this on the assumption that the nest was inside. The professionals went on to explain that I had to find this nest, and recommended careful and patient observation of hard working ants that apparently have a job. 

Now, having patiencem I could understand; the ants might not be working now but on lunch break.  However, the ‘careful’ part puzzled me. So, reading further, I saw this:  To follow carpenter ants without startlingthem…What? I want to startle the bejesus out of them.  I want to instill such fear that they pack up and leave. 

Well, they hadn’t written how to successfully rid an ant of ‘bejesus’, but I did read this:  In order not to startle them, use a flashlight with some kind of red film to cover the lens.  The reason for the flashlight was because the workers, on second-shift, are busiest between sunset and midnight; but why the red lens? It appears ants cannot see red light.  Wow, these professionals are smart.  I mean the amount of time and effort that must go into determining what colors ants can and cannot see is commendable.  Perhaps there are little spy ants, CIA types, from the Covert Information Ants alliance where ant-to-human secrets are passed. 

My excitement escalated so I continued to read, at a ‘speed-reading’ pace. The odds of following workers to their nest can be greater by setting up a picnic, and serving food that is attractive to the carpenter ants. Well, this is where I was stumped, I have no idea what they find attractive, I’m not even sure they find other carpenter ants attractive.  And now I’m supposed to cook for them. The last thing I read was:  Listen for ant sounds in the quiet, dark and very scary night. Then, when you detect a place where a carpenter ant’s nest might be, tap this area, then press an ear to the surface so you can hear their mandible munching sounds. 

That was it for me. I would listen ‘in the quiet of night’ (especially now that I have enlightened myself), but I will not place any part of my head, specifically a part with a hole in it, to any surface where a feeding frenzied riot could break out.I made my decision, I will stomp on the ones I see and forget about the ones I don’t. And if I wake up on any morning, in my basement still in my bed, then I will call the professionals and they can stick their heads in places where mine just shouldn’t go.