Please, Just Lift the Seat

Potty training is not about the progression from diapers to big boy underwear. It’s a process that continues well into adulthood, especially for boys. And sad to say some never become fully trained. Lift the seat and aim. Though this combination may necessitate some study of geometric angles, it isn’t rocket science.

The task requires no more effort than raising an arm, yet apparently my boys’ arms do not move in this way. Not unless this action involves hitting or eating. And, if eating moves arms, then drinking must too. But the sign I stuck to the seat, “Flip-Top-Lid,” didn’t conjure up thoughts of cold Pepsi or Red Bull and aim only counts in sports and video games.

I just want my own bathroom, a sanctuary where offenders are banned. Fingers, notes, and cat food don’t fit under the door and the dog does not drink from the faucet.

The “I have had enough” moment came in an eruption, literally. My child, the one that never lifts the seat, bellowed out “Mommy, we have a problem.” In the bathroom, amongst wet, sticky toilet paper and water gushing from the toilet was the offender. Pants still midway between ankles and his precious bottom, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

One look at my face and he decided this must not be as funny as he first thought. If I always led by example, then he’d have been swearing like a truck driver as he fled the sudden tsunami. “What the h***?” Was my immediate question, followed foolishly by “Why did you use so much toilet paper, we have wet wipes to follow up with!”

Ladies, I am tired of doing the hover method in my own home. I want to be queen of my throne and sit, without getting wet. When it’s 2 a.m. and nature calls, I don’t want to fear falling into the abyss, because one of the offenders lifted but didn’t replace the seat. 

So, gentlemen, young and old, take heed, a conspiracy is on the horizon and it may take the form of your wife or mother.

Though putting plastic wrap on the commode may seem drastic, it’s certain to cause a reaction. And should potty-mouthed truck drivers rear their ugly heads in protest I will gently remind the offenders to lead by example. Lift or suffer the consequences. Oh, and those Fresh Scent Clorox Disinfecting Wipes are not a decoration.