Money, Control & Freedom

This is a paid post contributed by a Patch Community Partner. The views expressed in this post are the author's own, and the information presented has not been verified by Patch.

There are times during some client consultations when I sometimes feel transported back to a bad episode of “Mad Men” - where the competent and confident spouses of Fairfield County have suddenly been replaced by the doting, dutiful and data-deprived Betty Drapers of the 1950’s.

“I have no idea how much money we have, how much money we have saved, or even where to access that information” is one of the most common statements I hear from current and prospective female clients during our first meeting.

While, of course, there are many women in Fairfield County who do not fit that “retro” mold, I’ve still been floored by just how many of us have willingly handed the financial keys to our future over to someone else*. I couldn’t help but wonder. Why?

The best part of my job is getting to know new people. It’s not the “meet and greet” that excites me; rather, it’s the digging deep and understanding someone’s unique situation, challenges, and dreams. I’ve gotten to know many intelligent and educated women with impressive jobs and the ability to juggle countless responsibilities, who possess social and political insights far beyond my comprehension. So, why have so many of them dropped the ball on their own family’s finances? Or, as I continue to discover, was the ball purposefully hidden from them all along? Was it taken?

Behind the “why”, a very clear theme continues to emerge - Control.

I’ve met dozens of women over the past year, and I’ve found that most fit into three general categories where money is used as a means of control – to control their happiness, to control their behavior, to control their options, and to control their decision making. If you fit into one of these categories, we need to talk.

- The Pleaser

The Pleaser is always focused on being a great wife and mother and is rarely focused on herself. She gave up her own career years ago to better serve her spouse and her family. She prides herself on being “low maintenance”, with a knack for saving money for the family at every turn (cooking meals sourced from Costco instead of dining out, traveling to neighboring towns to buy clothes for her kids on the cheap, driving the 2018 minivan instead of the new Audi she’s always coveted, etc.).

Questions for The Pleaser:

• I know you’re doing your part for the family finances, but do you know how much money your household actually has? And is there money being put away in your name for retirement?
• Do you know if your husband has an active life insurance policy, with you as the irrevocable beneficiary, if something should happen to him?
• What would you think if you learned your husband makes $40,000/month and spends most of it, while your feet are held to the fire to save $1,000/month by skimping and outsourcing nothing? Do you know how much your husband is spending as a percent of the family income, and where the “excess” goes?

- The Doer

The Doer usually works in an impressive job making a nice living, while she also manages all things on the home front including coordinating kids’ schedules, arranging for things to get maintained or replaced around the house, making meals and even paying regular bills on behalf of the family. In her “spare” time she volunteers for the school and holds two board seats.

Questions for the Doer:

• What would happen if you got sick or incapacitated for any extended period? Is there a family financial cushion to accommodate the loss of your income? Would you be struggling to hang onto your career?
• Are you spending 80% of your own income to pay daily family bills while he’s banking 80% of his income “for the future”? Do you feel guilty asking him this question (including where all his money goes) because you are so proud of being independent, and don’t want him to think you’re distrustful, or, even worse, a gold digger?
• Are you maxing out your 401K today for your own retirement, setting aside some money for your own savings and investments, or are you assuming your spouse is taking care of that for both of you?

- The Sufferer

The Sufferer moves mountains to maintain balance and harmony at home, usually at the expense of her own happiness. She may feel helpless and even useless compared to both her husband and her more accomplished peers. This woman tends to put up with infidelity or other corrosive vices for far too long, because she can’t imagine she’s deserving of better, or capable of creating her own exciting future (financially or otherwise).

Questions for the Sufferer:

• Do you have direct access to your family’s assets, or do you have to ask for a regular check or “allowance” from your husband?
• If your husband decides to run off with the next young thing, how much money can you expect to receive in a divorce? Will you get your fair share if you don’t know how much money is there or where the accounts can be found?
• Do you sign your joint tax returns while being handed just the signature page, or does your husband just sign them for you at this point?

If you’re married, single, separated, divorcing, divorced or widowed – it doesn’t matter – access to ALL of your current shared financial information is key, and it is ALWAYS the key to regaining the control that may have been purposefully withheld from you.

Realize your own value-add to the household, so you can unapologetically ask to see your family’s financial information. Even if you are not an equal partner in monthly business income, you should always consider yourself an equal partner in the “business” of the family.

Life is predictably unpredictable, and you are entitled to know if you’ll be protected (including the “why” and the “how”). Learning where your assets are, how your money is invested (maximizing returns while minimizing the tax burden) and understanding your own plan for retirement, is imperative. If your partner tells you it’s “too complicated” for you to understand, or that they “have it all under control”, perhaps the theme of “money = control” applies to you more than you may have guessed.

In that same spirit, be sure that you have an independent financial advisor who can take the time to understand your unique situation, if only to provide yourself a baseline of knowledge to move forward with. A little forethought and planning, and, most importantly, a clear view into your own family finances, may help you breathe easier for a lifetime, regardless of where the roads may take you.

Hope to meet you at my luncheon, “Money, Control & Freedom” on THURSDAY, NOVEMEBER 18th in NEW CANAAN (RSVP to jen@waterwaywealthadvisors.com)

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*It’s relevant to note that I work with many women who are considering (or going through) a divorce or major life change, so my data is limited and may be skewed.

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