Several years ago whilst reading the paper, I came across a small, little article, tucked away on the back page of the business section about a lawsuit against fast food behemoth McDonalds. You might remember it. Lawyers representing two morbidly obese teen girls were suing the chain for essentially forcing Big Macs down these tanks gullets on a daily basis and because of this, these girls were sick, blood pressure up, extra chins and blood that resembled Crisco. At the time, the lawsuit came and went( the girls lost)and the transcripts and the court proceedings had been sealed. . . until now.
BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Judge Gristle
The two teen girls, seated in their reinforced chairs just nodded as the judge took his seat.
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JUDGE: Counselor Cheatum, from the Law offices of Dewy, Cheatum & Howe, you're opening statement
CHEATUM: Your Honor, I will show that without a shadow of a doubt, how McDonalds destroyed the health and thereby the life of my two fat hogs, I mean, my clients. I would like to call my first witness. . . The Hamburgler
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The court room watches at the ever crafty Hamburgler steps up to the stand
CHEATUM: Now, Mr. Hamburgler, is it not true that your patties have a chemical in them that makes fat people lose control, how do you respond?
HAMBURGLER: fghtkietrrj! Devvvvvvyknockeoith!
JUDGE: Um, Counselor, I can't understand a word he's saying, do you have someone else?
CHEATUM: Ah yes. .I would like to call to the stand. .Grimace
The courtroom watches as the large purple whatever he is waddles up to the stand
CHEATUM: Mr. Grimace. . can you tell me why do you think I've called you here?
GRIMACE: Try the Shamrock Shake out now! It's minty!
Just then the defense counsel stands up
DEFENSE: I object on the grounds that it has already been proven there is no mint in the shakes, they are vanilla with green food dye. This. . . thing. . is a liar.
JUDGE: Sustained, Mr. Cheatum, you're running out of friends here and you've yet to make your case. Do you have another witness?
CHEATUM: I do indeed. We now come to the architect of this most heinous crime. The man himself, the big Cheese as it were. I call Ronald McDonald to the stand.
The courtroom offers a silent hush as the man more recognizable that Jesus takes the stand.
CHEATUM: Mr. McDonald. . . .tell me sir, what's in your burgers?
MCDONALD: A meat like product. . that tastes like meat! And then there's special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles onions on a sesame seed bun-
CHEATUM: So I see. . .and the special sauce?
MCDONALD: Thousand Island Dressing!
CHEATUM: Horse Hockey!! Is it not true that in 1945, a young Ray Krock found this "special sauce" leaking from the unidentified remains of a flying saucer! From outer space!! Is it not true?!!!
MCDONALD: I. . . I don't know what you're talking about. . .our burgers are mean. . i mean. . the sauce was in a vat. . I mean. . . I mean
Just then Ronald McDonald breaks down on the stand
MCDONALD: Yes! Yes!! it's all true!! None of it's real. . . from the special sauce to the mind control drugs we put in the patties!!! The McNuggets are nothing but food coloring and carpet samples we find in the dumpster!! It's true! We want to hook the kids right away!!! We don't want them killing themselves with cigarettes, we want them killing themselves with our food!! We knew it was wrong!!! I'm sorry!! I'm so, so sorry!!
And so with the courtroom in chaos, Ronald McDonald is led away in cuffs as Grimace falls to the ground crying.
I am told that in the end, after a huge civil case, McDonald's settled. So the next time you find yourself craving a Big Mac. . . . remember the sauce. . . oh God. . the sauce
