The Things I Believe

Recently, I noticed all the pain in the world, i noticed all the love, the hate, all of it and it upset me that we all live in a world that is dominated by lies and hate/Lies from our leaders, hate from other religions because "your God is a different color than my God".  I've watched TV get worse, I've watched the news become funny and happy.  I've watched as untalented, unskilled people get to be on TV so they can spread their horrificness( looking at you Idol) The world is upside down and I have decided to share with the readers some of the funnier things that I've noticed. The world needs to laugh and the world needs to stop being confrontational and occassionally, the world needs to say it's sorry and accept the apology because the world is upside down.  So, read this if you'd like, take something from it and realize that I am only one man who wishes he can make things change with a wave of my hand, or a blink of my eyes, kind of like a heavier, less blond Barbara Eden

I Believe- I believe no one really cares, but if it's about not having cable TV or enough gas to drive their giant trucks, they look for someone to believe and when they can't find someone, they blame the President

I Believe-I believe that the drug companies are really just giving us placebos or LSD--if we get better, it's the placebos, if we see shining flying purple wolfhounds, it's the LSD

I believe-I believe that someone has replaced all the women in the world with robots, with no off button

I believe- I really do believe it's not butter, in fact, how can one actually think it's butter, come on now. . it's shiney!

I Believe- I believe that the same pretentious  psuedo intellectuals who actually think Starbucks doesn't taste like oil eat all their meals with chopsticks in some odd hope of impressing those of us who use a damn fork

I Believe-I believe those people who own a Kindle only do so because they never saw a real book and turning a real page might give them a papercut and then they won't be able to get the insurance companies to help them because they've read a book once before and so there for it's an existing problem

I believe-I believe that for every four "Occupiers" there are two others who's daddies make sure they will be able to drive the lexus tonight and that when they leave they'll head back to their daddies McMansions

I believe-and along the lines of the Occupiers, I believe they smell, like feet and patchouli and expired Gold Bond

I believe- I believe that there is no real emotions in the world, just yelling and screaming, and it's spreading from the TV to our living rooms

I believe- I believe i would like my shoe back that I threw at the TV when I heard that Adam lambert will be singing in Queen

However, I also believe that he won't be able to actually replace Freddy Mercury, because, well, Freddy actually had talant and didn't need eyeliner and lipstick to show his talent

I believe- I believe that if more young children knew about The Muppets, life would make more sense than ever

I believe- I believe that if you are texting and driving, I hope you have the camera on your phone as you slam into a telephone pole and your broken body flies through the air--we'll all watch it on Youtube, your dead body will get 1 million views--you've finally made it!

And finally, I believe that sometimes I am wrong, totally off the deep end and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for saying OPEC adds additives to the gas when it is in fact the refineries, at the direction of it's billionaire CEOS who control the supply. I believe that I have no clue about women, about clothes, about cars and about small kitchen appliences. You can tell me that my Zipflung valve needs to be replaced and it costs $1000, well I say, sign me up. I believe I have a dark side and I believe I am sorry if it comes out.

And I believe that I will be the first human being to say this: I don't understand anything at all, I don't know if there is a God, I've never seen the proof. I don't believe there is a good tasting low calories soda. . but I do believe. . I believe in hope and I believe in faith, even when it's misplaced. And I believe in saying I am sorry, wrong, or just plain bonkers. . .

And these are the things I believe...of course...you don't need to believe any of it...I could be insane....