2016 Holiday Message for Families missing loved ones

Written by a member of our nonprofit, we hope this article is helpful to your family or a friends.

For more info please contact Joani through the nonprofit website at www.pas-intervention.org

Will your kids get to be with you this holiday?

By Pamela Dean Wright

December 20, 2016

Most parents have a real heart for their children’s pain, especially when it comes to loss. We scramble when a beloved blankie is lost, we lose sleep wondering how to soothe our kids when a pet dies. Sit-coms about substituting a hopefully exact match for the dead goldfish strike a chord with us every time one is shown. When one of our own parents pass, we grieve twice – once for us and once for our children who really loved Grandma or Grandpa. We know there is now a never-again-filled gap and we work hard to guide them through those times.

So, it would probably surprise many of you to learn that there are tens of thousands of children out there who won’t see one of their living, loving parents this holiday season. No celebrations, no memories made, no family traditions passed on, no exchange of love, presents, or smiles.

What becomes even more surreal is when we find out that it’s the child’s other parent who is orchestrating this nightmare.

More often than we realize, the breakup of a relationship can be followed by one parent deciding to eliminate the other parent. The courts call it ‘not fostering a relationship,’ others call it parental alienation, pathogenic parenting, high conflict custody, malicious mother syndrome (although it’s done by both genders.) No matter what the label, it’s barbaric – especially to the child.

Sometimes, it’s a slow process. Kids are told ugly things about the other parent and there are subtle rewards for agreeing, subtle punishments for showing an interest in the target parent. Sometimes, when the child’s mind can’t be turned, the aggressor will simply stop allowing the other parent to see the child. It takes months to get into court to let the judge know what is happening and more often than not, the aggressor parent suffers no consequences the first, second, third and often fourth court appearance (if the target parent’s finances last that long.) Sometimes, it’s a quick assault, with a false allegation of abuse or sudden out-of-state move. All the while, the children are losing a parent and the damage done in these months, sometimes years, has a lasting, deleterious effect on their emotional health, personality and adulthood.

What happened to the aggressor parent’s empathy for a child’s loss? When did they turn into someone who would use a child as a weapon? Often they have childhood trauma or drug/alcohol issues. But the focus should be on the child, as it is with other forms of abuse. We have whole systems set up to protect the child first, then potentially get help for the abuser. As of this writing, there is nothing consistent in either the mental health field or the legal system to stop a parent from eliminating the child’s other parent.

Losing your mom or dad is a life-changing event. We aren’t doing our children or society any favors by assuming it is less so if the loss is caused by the other parent. It may even be worse since, since with this scenario, the child has no safe place, no adult putting them first, no standard of honesty, no one loving them unconditionally.

If you are going through this, do some research. There is help out there. Know that you aren’t alone. Solving this takes a holistic approach, including good legal work, building a team, self-care, being constructive with school staff, coaches, counselors, etc., and proper handling of day-to-day issues, including communicating with the ex.

Children deserve love, safety, and happiness. There is a path to creating that and hopefully getting the aggressor parent some help in the process. My prayer is that, with both public awareness and support for the families, next year every child will have the joy of having both parents for the holidays.

Pamela Dean Wright www.wolfrising.com

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