If you are, how do you get over it?
It’s the normal response to the loss of someone important to you. We know it’s a natural part of life. But still, it‘s difficult to deal with.
First, you must accept the fact that the loved one is really gone.
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One of my friends lost her fiancé in a plane crash years ago while she was still in college. She says she stayed with his mother all summer long but really didn’t know why. Then, she realized that she still believed her fiancé was going to come back and was sure that when he did, it would be to his mother’s. Once she admitted to herself he was never going to come back, she was able to pass step one, and she went home.
Next, allow yourself to feel the pain.
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If you’re young the pain is probably mostly emotional. For seniors, the pain can be both physical and emotional. The fight or flight system kicks in and the adrenalin system isn’t as flexible as it once was. Your body’s not sure what to do. Some people try to avoid the pain by being busy or traveling. Others use drugs or alcohol. But, we’re told, feeling the pain is an important step toward healing. Be good to yourself. It takes time. And you’ll always have the good memories.
If it’s someone you love who’s in pain, treat them the way you would someone who’s depressed. Let them talk. Listen. Try to give them a change of scenery, opportunities for joy. Get a professional diagnosis, if necessary, and professional treatment, if you can.
You have to learn to live without the deceased.
It’s tough to lose someone. It worse when a spouse dies and we lose a big part of our lifestyle. We miss the companion, dear friend, sexual partner, soul mate, and fellow parent or grandparent. Part of grieving will naturally include missing the parts of life that are gone forever because your spouse is not here.
To heal you will need to shift your focus to include other people and other activities. Try lots of things. You might find something you like. Volunteering, helping others, helps, I’m told.
Find a safe place in your heart for your loved one and allow yourself to move on.
Learn to cherish the memory without letting it control you. You can begin to find joy in new experiences and take comfort in the knowledge that you keep your cherished memories with you wherever you go.
Figure out what to do with all the love you feel for the person who’s gone.
Life became much more bearable for me once I realized I didn’t have to stop loving my husband who died four years ago because he’s no longer here. When I remember something we did together or something he said, I send a loving thought and know that I am loved in return.
I resolved things by taking a page from Isaac Asimov’s The Gods Themselves and realize that I am not just me, Norma Nixon, but, in fact, am the two of us. Thus I’m proud to be known as Norma Nixon Schofield. So far I’ve been able to find comfort in this and the strength to continue on in my journey.
Norma Nixon Schofield
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