Pictures of You

Today while out for a morning run, I was relieved to not have to think about how many layers of clothes I needed to wear. In Southwest Florida it’s more of a question as to which short color is preferred. That aside, while my friends to the North deal with snow, cold, and other elements, the holiday season continues to be on my mind.

Like many that have suffered a loss, I have my good and bad days. For the most part though, I have come to accept my new reality and have moved forward from that fateful day in 2005. Reflecting further, I realize a pattern when I experience loss. This doesn’t mean the loss of only a loved one, but the end of a relationship, death of an animal, or even a change in employment. After any loss, I don’t feel at peace in those areas where my memories are vivid and clear from those I shared them with. The most profound loss, that of my twin brother, years later even when around loved ones, I don’t feel fully comfortable or myself in those places he lived, worked, and played. 

I have thought this over on several occasions, and it’s quite clear to me, that this has less to do with his physical loss, and more about the relationship we had in those places and how important those experiences were to our upbringing and lives. Perhaps part of me doesn’t want to fully embrace these areas again for fear that I will enjoy them too much and that might in some deluded way be an insult to his memory.  

Whatever the justification, sharing this with others is important. We all experience loss differently and grieve in many ways. While many function well - eventually, there are still facets to our existence that are never the same. Many of us can move forward, but in some ways we are still held back to the very moment of our loss. There is nothing wrong with this, just something we have to accept, live with, and keep in perspective for those occasional cloudy days.