Moms Talk Q&A: Boundaries

Tolland Patch invites you and your circle of friends to help build a community of support for mothers and their families right here in the Tolland area.

Each week in Moms Talk, our will take your questions, give advice and share solutions. Moms, dads, grandparents and the diverse families who make up our community will have a new resource for questions about local schools, nutrition, work-life balance and the myriad of other issues that arise while raising children.  

Moms Talk will also be the place to drop in for a talk about the latest parenting hot topic. Do you know of local moms raising their children in the Tiger Mother's way and is it a good approach to parenting? Where can we get information on local flu shot clinics for children? How do we talk to our children about the ? How can we help our children's ?

So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation today.

Today's topic is boundaries – how do you teach your children to set boundaries and to help them make good choices with regard to respecting other people's boundaries.

My children are young. My 4-year-old has just gotten to the age where a basic "time out" is not enough. I need to explain simply what was not acceptable about his actions and discipline accordingly.

Boundaries with his younger brother are the theme daily. I know what I do will shape his future a little bit at a time, so I just follow through on my discipline. If I have to take away a beloved stuffed animal for the day because he won't keep his hands to himself for the sixth time, I will hide it away in the closet for the day.

I am always trying to think of new and creative ways to get through to a 4-year-old so he can understand boundaries little by little. He is still little and his understanding is limited, but I know he is getting it. I'm always open to new ideas though. Always.

It's amazing how quickly children change day to day. It seems new ideas are just what are needed sometimes to get through to your kids. I am sure some of you have older children and I am so curious as to how issues/discipline changes as our children get older, smarter and more able to control their own world.

My 3-year-old is well versed in the "Time Out" approach to discipline.  I can clearly see that it is working.  We are to the point where I only need to give him 'The Look' (you remember...  the look your parents gave you as you were pinching your sister during Sunday Mass) and he puts himself in Time Out.  That is telling me he is learning right from wrong and knows the consequences. 

My worry is what is life like beyond the Time Out?  What happens when peer pressure rears its ugly head?  What will he think when he sees disrespectful adults?  What decisions will he make without any regard to all of the life lessons we have tried to instill in him? 

I have talked to friends who have kids in high school. They seem to believe that you teach your kids right from wrong and you instill morals and values in them. Then, there comes a point where your kids will take what you have given them and will make some good decisions and unfortunately, some bad decisions.  Those bad decisions need to be addressed and dealt with when they happen. 

I agree with this philosophy, however, I think it needs to go a step further.  We as adults within our community need to continually reinforce, by way of example, all that we have taught our kids.  I am willing to bet that many of the people I have witnessed acting so poorly at these sporting events, would never dream of speaking to their boss, clergy, a police officer or any person of authority in the manner they speak to coaches, referees and players.  There have been many times when I would like to put some of these adults in Time Out!   We need to take a step back, and remember that our kids are watching us and that they are learning from our examples.  

I don’t think there is one set of rules that will work for all children and in all circumstances.  I am still working on techniques that work for my 10-year-old; some that worked in the past no longer work. 

 What is the appropriate punishment for a child who whines instead of talking?  How should the punishment differ for a child who teases a sibling?  Where do you draw the line between normal sibling teasing and inappropriate comments? 

Further, parents will disagree about what boundaries are appropriate for their children.  For example, at a party with adults, do the children sit and talk with adults or are the children kept in a separate area?  I think disagreements between parents about parenting the children in their house is a good topic for discussion.

Please use the comment box below for questions, or to share your experiences and the lessons you have learned.