Last of three posts on approaches that will increase sibling harmony:
6. If one child comes to you complaining about the other, use the opportunity to teach your child problem solving. That is, coach the child to find solutions. It goes like this:
- Reflect the emotions of the complainer "You sound really frustrated with your sister right now." Don't worry if you get the wrong emotion, they will tell you. The child might say, "No, I'm really mad at her." Wait until child confirms or clarifies the emotions. This is not asking: "How did that make you feel?" You are simply acting as a mirror. This lets the child you know you are there and affirms that having feelings is normal. Reflective listening can strengthen your connection with your child and increase their emotional intelligence.
- Reflect your child's point of view. "You're mad because she keeps interrupting your TV show?" Continue to check for understanding until the child confirms that you got it. (Again, use the duct tape method - do not try to tell the child what the problem is. While it is tempting, absolutely avoid analyzing the cause of the problem.)
- Once your child confirms that you understand the problem according to him or her, invite the child to come up with some ideas about how to handle the situation. "So what do you think you can do to make this better?" And allow the child to come up with their own ideas. (Again, duct tape.) If they have no ideas, invite them to think about it and come back later if they get some. Express confidence in your child's ability to come up with a solution. If you have been giving lots of advice they may come up with nothing. Be patient. Even if the child comes up with crazy or aggressive ideas, just repeat them back as you hear them. Refrain from comment. There is another step.
- If he or she does have ideas, ask the child what they think will be the outcome of each of those solutions. Then invite child to choose one. At this point, if the child chooses a plan that breaks family rules or is unacceptable, you may comment. Most of the time, kids choose perfectly reasonable ideas if you have been able to stay out of it this long! If you wish, you can make a plan to talk later and see how the idea worked out.
Children often depart before you get through all these steps, but amazingly the conflict usually dissipates as well.
What are some approaches that you have used to help kids get along in your household?
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