How Can You Love Your Neighbor if You Hate Yourself?

The Hebrew scriptures tell us that we are to “love your neighbor as yourself” as it is recorded in Leviticus 19:18.  And Jesus reiterated this in his teachings; it is recorded twice in Matthew and Mark, and once in Luke.  The apostle Paul also stated it in his letters to the Romans and Galatians.

But that isn't all.  This one simple statement is the cornerstone of all the major faith traditions.

It is apparent that this one axiom was so important for humanity that God made sure all people of all times and places would have it as a guide to live by.

And so we all strive to love others and to treat them well.  But I think we've neglected the most important aspect of this statement.  “As yourself.”  We neglect ourselves, berate ourselves, hate ourselves, and then wonder why our actions for others fall flat, even when well-intentioned.

It is so simple.  We cannot give what we do not have.  We cannot truly love others unless and until we truly, unconditionally love ourselves.

We can, sometimes, come ‘round to it by working it from the reverse.  Even though this is by far the hardest way to go about it.  By loving and caring for others, that action can sometimes make us feel good for a while.  We may even start to think that we are worthy of love ourselves.  But in my experience, that’s usually when the ego kicks in and screams at me, “Liar!  You are dirt!  You are worthless!” 

So I want to share a different approach. 

The golden rule sounds so simple.  “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” “Do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you.”  “Wish for others what you wish for yourself.” But the way we interpret these statements is over-simplified, shallow, and superficial.  It is my opinion that the true meaning is actually much deeper than that.

I think the original intention was based on the assumption that people would naturally respect their own divine nature, and so the injunction to “love your neighbor as yourself,” would automatically include loving yourself.  But we don’t.  In fact, many of us are taught not to love ourselves.  We are taught that self-love is egotistical.  It is one of those spiritual dichotomies, that we should respect ourselves as children of God, and yet simultaneously should see ourselves as sinful creatures.

It is true that most of us have forgotten our divine nature.  We live in an ego-driven society.  And ego doesn't want us to know or respect our divine nature.  Ego wants us to believe that we are separate from God’s love and separate from others.  That we are unworthy of love.  That’s the basis for the sacrificial nature of many religions.  Something must be sacrificed to atone for our unworthiness.  But God doesn't want sacrifices – only the ego wants sacrifice.  God wants our love.  Hosea 6:6, “I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices.”

But when we can find our own divine nature, when we can love that aspect of our being, and give it the genuine respect it deserves (it is from God, after all!) then we find that loving and caring for others is easy.  It’s genuine.  And it’s effective.

When we honor and respect our own divine nature, we realize that everyone has a divine aspect, and we realize that God is God is God.  Wherever or in whomever God is, it is God.  We are all connected to each other though that divine nature.  As I was trying to comprehend this in meditation, I saw an image of a cloud.  A cloud is water vapor – particles of water.  Sometimes, a number of particles form together into a drop, and fall from the cloud to earth.  On earth they are absorbed by a plant, which grows into a beautiful flower, before it dies and returns to earth.  As the matter of the plant decays, the water that it held evaporates and returns to the cloud.  We are like that; we each have a drop of divine energy from God that will return to God when these bodies die, but while we are alive, we are connected to all others by that same divine energy that surrounds us all and gives us life.

When we honor and respect that divine energy within us, and love it, it becomes natural to want good things for others, because we see that they are like us.  And because we enjoy good things we know that they will also.  We hurt when others hurt, because we see ourselves in them, we feel the connection to them.  We can rejoice with others as they rejoice, simply because they rejoice.  It becomes easy to love our neighbor, because we love ourselves and recognize that giving and receiving love is our divine nature.  Loving ourselves and loving our neighbor happen simultaneously.  We see and feel the connection between us, the divine nature in us both.

When this is true, deep, unconditional love, there is nothing egotistical about it.  In fact, it comes from a deep humility.  It is recognizing, honoring and respecting our God nature – not our ego nature.  It is elevating the divine, and reducing the ego.

Another problem we have in trying to follow the golden rule, is “what if we just don’t like someone?”  “What if the other person is truly a bad person?” 

All valid problems.  Roadblocks.  If we are only looking at the egoic nature of that individual.  Yes, everyone has done hurtful things at some point in their lives.  But it usually stems from a wound.  Hurt people hurt people.  Most people act out from their own deep wounds, their own deep needs that have not been met.  When we ask the question, “what must they have experienced that would cause them to behave in such a way?” we can begin to see them in a different light.  We can begin to have compassion for them.

So if you can overlook their superficial actions, and search for their divine nature, and love and honor that, it becomes much easier to love them.  And that in turn will provide a great healing for them, and may lead to the possibility that they can resolve their inner issues that are causing them to behave in the way they have.

And what I've just said here about overlooking the superficial actions of others applies to ourselves as well.  In order to find that divine nature within ourselves, we must do some work.  We must work past the issues of hurts, grievances, and grudges.  We have to let all that go.  And it is often difficult.  But when we reach in, reach deep, dig through all the layers of ego addled conflict, and get to our heart core, there we find the deepest, most beautiful peace.  We find our true, divine nature.  And it is beautiful!  And gentle!  And lovable! 

We may touch it just for a while, and then ego jumps back in, or we reach another layer of woundedness.  Sometimes we only catch a glimpse of our divinity through the murk.  But if we stick with it and continue our practice, eventually we can clear away all the muck and mire to reveal this bright, shining light in our core!  Even then, something may come along that triggers another layer of pain to work through.  But it is so worth it!  Just for the peace alone, it is worth it! 

Of course, meditation is a favorite practice for working through all of those layers to get to our divine nature.  To find that aspect of ourselves that is lovable, that is, in fact, love. 

Metta Meditation is ideal for uncovering your own divine nature.  Metta is a Buddhist term that means “loving-kindness.”  It is a practice of showing loving-kindness and compassion to yourself and others.  To practice metta meditation just sit in a comfortable position in a quiet place.  If you need to shift or move, you may do so quietly.  Unlike some other forms of meditation, there is no need for physical discomfort in this practice.

So, sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths – all the way down to your belly – feel your ribcage and abdomen expand – and slowly, gently breathe out.

Now, think about inwardly directing loving-kindness and goodwill to yourself.  Perhaps you want to pick one aspect of yourself that is particularly lovable, and work from there.  Allow your love to expand and try to allow it to fill your whole body.  If you have difficulty with this, picture yourself as a small child.  Are you cute and lovable?  Wrap your child in love and goodwill.

Once you've established some level of self-compassion, bring to mind images of those you love, family, friends, colleagues or mentors; people you have a deep affection for.  Allow yourself to extend your loving-kindness to them mentally.

Now, expand to some people who you have no particular feelings toward.  These may be acquaintances or perhaps, just someone you've seen regularly.  It may be a cashier or sales clerk, or someone you see at work but don’t know.  Allow your loving-kindness to flow to them.

Lastly, move on to someone you have some animosity toward.  You may want to start with someone that you don’t know personally, but just dislike.  Allow yourself to imagine that person as a small child.  Is that child cute and lovable?  Extend your loving-kindness to that child.  Visualize that child growing up into the person you know.  Can you still stretch love and goodwill toward that person?

And now come back to yourself.  Give yourself gratitude for being able to extend love toward yourself and others.  Even if it was difficult, even if you don’t feel that you accomplished anything, or even felt love, you tried, and for that you have earned respect.   Allow yourself to sit in gratitude for just a moment, and when you are ready, return your attention to your current place and time.

A regular practice of Metta Meditation will do wonders for your image of your divine nature, and for showing genuine love and compassion to yourself and others.  It doesn't take a great deal of time, just 10-15 minutes per session.  Each time, you may want to go a little deeper, thinking of people who have influenced you both positively and negatively during your life, and extending love and compassion to them. 

I wish you joy on your journey to loving yourself, and I’d love to hear your story of how this practice affects your life.

“The heart of the person before you is a mirror.  See there your own form.”  (Shinto golden rule.)

Rev. Stacy Lee Goforth is an Interfaith Minister & Celebrant, Spiritual Life Coach, Intuitive, Mystic, Co-Creator of Crystal Vibrations Jewelry, and Talk Radio Host of Goforth on Faith.  She is the author of The Divine Plan, and One Spirit … Many Containers, and is a co-author in Pearls of Wisdom.  She serves on the worship teams for the Interfaith Community International in NYC, and the New London United Methodist Church, and serves on the Office of Christian Unity and Interreligious Relations for the New England United Methodist Church. 

Follow her on Facebook and Twitter, and sign up for her newsletter at www.manycontainers.com.

Visit her spirituality class, The Path of the Mystic, every Monday at 6:00 PM at the Center for Healing Therapies in Waterford, CT.