Getting agreements

Getting agreements

And following through

By Carol Dores

I remember the day our older son turned to the younger one and said, “You don’t have to do what Mom is telling you to do. She won’t hold you to it, and won’t actually follow through on the punishment.”

I was a pushover.

I love our sons so very much. It was hard to be firm without being nasty. But when I heard that, I knew things had to change.

Jane Nelsen, founder of Positive Discipline, has some great ideas for effective follow through. They have worked time and again, in homes around the world.

· Have a friendly discussion where everyone gets to voice their feelings and thoughts about the issue.

· Have everyone come up with ideas to solve the problem, without judging the ideas at this point. Once everyone feels all of the possible solutions have been developed, discuss which idea everyone can live with.

· Agree to a specific time deadline, to the minute. (this is often the step that is missed!)

· Understand that the deadline will probably not be met. When it is not met, follow through with your part of the agreement, with no blame, shame or pain.

Here’s an example. Let’s say you have agreed that your teen will have the laundry folded by Sunday 5 P.M. If it isn’t done, keep the comments simple and clear, “I notice that you didn’t fold the laundry. Please do that now.” If your child objects or tries to delay, simply ask, “What was our agreement?” In response to further objections or efforts at delaying, keep your mouth shut and use nonverbal signals. Point to your watch or the clock on the wall. Smile. Give a hug. Point to your watch or clock again. When the child gives in to the agreement, even with grunts and obvious expression of feeling annoyed, simply say, “Thank you for keeping our agreement.”

Want to learn more about Positive Discipline? Check out the schedule of classes at www.positivedisciplinect.org/parenting-classes/. If there isn’t one that meets your needs, email info@positivedisciplinect.org, and we’ll do our best to meet your needs.

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