How to live with children,

By Carol Dores

Our sons loved texting, playing video games, and watching television. We had endless discussions and fights over the amount of hours spent on their devices. If you ask a child what their biggest problem at home is, many would say not enough time on their cell phones or playing games. If you ask a parent what their biggest challenge with their child is, many would say too much time on their cell phones or playing games.

So how can we reach a compromise that we can all live with?

The first thing that needs to be understood is that all of these devices are addictive. So it is important that there are limits. How you get to the limits need to be considered. Remember when your parents told you what to do, or what not to do? My guess is that you became sneaky, and tried not to get caught. Our children are likely to behave the same way if we force them to sign contracts or “obey” rules that we set. We need to work with our children to come up to an agreement.

· First, look at your own device behavior. What are you modeling for your children? Would you want your children using their phones, computers, television as much as you? Our children learn by what we do more than what we say.

· Have a conversation with your children. Start with how they feel about device usage, and then share how you feel. Validate their feelings, even though they may be very different from yours. “I hear you saying that your friends have no limits to their screen time, and you feel it’s unfair to have to turn off at 6 P.M.” Ask them to share what they heard you say as well. Having everyone be heard is important.

· Ask if they’d be willing to work together on building family guidelines on how to use phones, television, computers, along with boundaries and agreed upon outcomes. Then work together to come up with a list of agreements that you can all live with. This will likely involve compromise. Shorter and simpler will be easier to remember and follow. Ask if they’d be willing to write it up.

· Then check in weekly to see how everyone is doing, starting with what’s working, and then moving to problem solving what isn’t working.

If you would like to learn more about Positive Discipline, which helps build connections and relationships, and results in a calmer home, visit www.positivedisciplinect.org. Positive Discipline is based on the work of Dr. Jane Nelsen, built on the principles of Dr. Alfred Adler and Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs.

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