MAhole’ Musings: 'Dottie, I don’t think we’re near Katahdin anymore

So I open the newspaper the other morning and staring at me from the Tampa Bay (local) pages is a picture of a mean-looking fish with the headline “They’re Back,” and the opening line: “Up North, April showers bring May flowers. But here in the Sunshine State, the fifth month of the year marks the return of bull sharks.”

Yeesh . . . and I thought lovebugs were a pain in the butt.

Up North, the real New Englander either knows someone, or are themselves an individual, who has failed to Brake for Moose. I once knew a guy who crumpled his Jeep up against the side of a bull's back in the hinterlands of the Pine Tree State.

While waiting for the wrecker to arrive and haul away both carcasses, he asked the statie [state trooper] on scene if he could at least have the head and antlers. The trooper walked over to the moose, leaned down and listened while tapping around the snout. He returned a moment later and told my buddy to wait about a half-hour, then he could ask the moose directly. Soon enough the animal hefted himself up, shook his big head, shot the duo a mean glance and wobbled off onto the woods.

Outside of the moose, I can’t think of much else up North that can prove deadly or dangerous to man or minor beast.

Down here we are told to be on the lookout for bull sharks at the beach, that every pond and waterway is the likely home of a gator, pythons are loose in the swampland, mosquitoes make a meal of us as soon as the sun starts down and, let us not forget, the need to perfect the Stingray Shuffle.

What’s next, flying monkeys?

Oh, yeah, I do believe the Tampa Monkey is still on the loose -- but he is keeping pretty much to the treetops these days.