Is There Gold In Them Thar Florida Prisons?

If you are looking to cash in on the next big opportunity in Florida then you should consider adding prisoners to your investment portfolio.

The potential financial gains in this industry segment could be enormous. Private prisons are generating some big bucks and you could be missing out on a chance of a lifetime.

In Florida, a private prison plan was projected to save state taxpayers $22 million alone this year. That's not chump change and it's almost a tenth of what our new Florida Economic Development Agency needs in cash, prizes, merchandise and other gift card incentives to bring jobs to the state. Oh yeah, that agency does need to get a trackable website up and going too but that is way too expensive.

Saving Florida taxpayer's money and helping a company provide a dividend or capital gain to a hard-working investor is the stuff our legislators are made of. This year, probably through the use of hand signals and facial tics, secret ingredients were put into our state budget. It was these secret ingredients that would pave the way to converting more prisons into private enterprises. After a minor detail of verifying some selected bank accounts, Florida would be $22 million to the good.

This extreme openness and bright sunshine in a state budget startled Florida's newly hired prison chief. The shock and awe of how things are done in Florida caught him off guard and put him in a mystified eye blinding stupor. He eventually had to be fired from his job. During the termination process it was rumored that his boss said something to the effect of, "kid, you gotta attend the meetings."

Later this year a union representing Florida prison workers was casually surfing the Internet and came across some information on a state website that will probably be shut down due to technical complications that regular citizens aren't smart enough to understand. The union Web surfer suspected something wasn't quite right and escalated his suspicions. This hunch ended up with the union putting the entire 2011 legislative session transcript into a sophisticated digital analyzer.

Teams of union analysts working day and night, focused their attention on the budget wording. They replayed the budget at half-speed, quarter-speed, and other speeds searching for audio and mathematical clues. No one will officially say if Enigma machine or Clipper chip technology was used to reveal the code, but the code was finally cracked.

The budget words "Be it enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida: "turned up several code combinations. Some of the plausible code combinations were:

• "The legislators believe in Florida education so much we will to step in and teach part-time at community colleges although it hurts us we'll do it for six figure salaries plus benefits."
• "The legislators have decided that Florida needs new state micro universities and the presidents have already been selected."
• And, "The legislators have decided that Florida needs casinos and not internet cafes but we'll decide that later."

The union took a huge chance but believed that the secret phrase was really, "The Legislators have decided that the Florida Region IV prisons need to be run by a private business firm, make it so."

The union convinced a state judge that this type of cryptic wording did not belong in a budget and it was ordered that the bid process for the private prison conversion halted.

The Florida Legislature scrambled and built a robot that it delivered to the attorney general's office. The robot was programmed to deliver a holographic message that said, "Help us, attorney general. You're our only hope."

Overworked and buried in missing email investigation cases, unfair healthcare laws, and dealing with mean, spiteful, ex-employees terminated after receiving "Exceeds Expectations" performance reviews, somehow the attorney general mustered the strength, found the legislative legal nexus and agreed to take the case. The appeal was filed and the state rejoiced as it was open for private prison bids again.

The union Web surfer stumbled on the now surely doomed state Website. Seeing that the Website was asking for private prison bids again the Web surfer initiated the now firmly established emergency protocols, and both parties found themselves in court again. The same judge that stayed the last motion decided to put on an elaborate theatrical puppet show for the benefit of the state.

The puppets, at the order of the judge, presented, "Stay and Halt, What You Need to Know to Keep Out of Jail"  a seven act production. Granted, these two words are extremely complex, legally ambiguous and have never been fully understood by "yes, but" litigants.

This production lasted for several hours. The judge made sure key points of the production were reviewed again, and again until light bulbs could be seen going on in the faces of the confused.

So far this plan to save $22 million has completely backfired and will probably result in some state Websites being shut down, permanently. You can bet there will also be a press release to spin how many jobs this legal work has created for Florida.  Think of it as a beautiful gift when you pay your state taxes. A half-baked plan to, you know save you money, wink, wink.

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