The Homeless Soul

I was reading an article last night in the Tampa Bay Times about the homeless programs in our city.

It centered around on the success of these programs upon our homeless population and their lives. And, it struck me as I was reading this article that before I was homeless I would have never even focused my energy on even noticing a homeless person.

I, indeed had taken my life for granted. I had taken everything about life for granted, period. I was so consumed with myself and life in general that I truly had no idea of what I was doing in life. I was simply going through the motions. Daily. Raising children. Working. Paying bills. Go to sleep. Wake up. Repeat. 

I never realized that there was anything outside of life, but, those things. Struggling and surviving as a single parent with five kids still at home. Many, many, days I would be so overwhelmed with everything going on around me, that I would simply collapse in the middle of my bedroom floor and cry. So exhausted. Questioning everything. Wanting so much more. Whatever that was I had absolutely no clue.

All I knew was I wanted more. 

I never fully understood what all of that meant until one day. That one day was my call to the reality of the world around me. On the steps of a church in downtown Clearwater. If I never knew what the journey of my life held in store for me before I did that day without a doubt. A journey right to the core of my soul. All questions I had before were slowly being answered. Not in words though. 

In actions. Random acts of kindness. By real people just like me. 

Reading this article about our community's homeless programs brought back a whole flood of memories from that time period that my son and I were homeless. And, as I sat on the pier at waiting for a  it dawned on me that I indeed am so small on the wider scope of God's universe. But, not so small that He couldn't redeem me from my situation back then. My son and I were residents of CHIP, Clearwater Homeless Intervention Project, for a year. This part of our story was not told in the newspaper articles about us. In fact, I do believe that a rule was broken by allowing us to stay as long as we did. 

But, that person breaking the rule was our glimpse into learning the value of human kindness. Ed Grant. The director of CHIP. Tim our case manager had revealed to me one day that our case was completely undocumented within the shelter during our stay. Which struck me odd. This revealed to me on the day that we were officially moving out of CHIP and into our own home. It doesn't matter now that a rule was broken. Because it is very obvious that because it was the program stands as a very successful program for the homeless. Because my son and I were the last resident family, homeless family at that, to reside in the lone dorm room in the back of that shelter. We remained the longest in fact than any other family. Because of my son and DCF policies on placing children and families in shelters. 

As a result of our residency at CHIP for a year my son and I both walked away with many lessons about life. Along with many memories that have left a lasting impression upon our lives and hearts. We've carried them with us ever since we stepped away into our own home. 

I remember the first week we spent in our new home. While it wasn't new in many aspects it was "home" for us. Something to work for and be responsible for. My objective behind this home was so that my son would never have to go to sleep wondering if we would have a home the following day. Where he could overcome his experience of being homeless for a year and learn how to adjust back into "normal" life. To feel secure. To feel safe. 

The first week in our home you'd think I would be relieved and happy. While I was I was also depressed. I would sit out on my deck at night and stare upwards. In total sadness. Because when we left CHIP it wasn't a happy day at all for most of the residents and case managers there. It was a day of tears. Usually when people leave CHIP? It was never even noticed. Just another person leaving. But, for my son and I it was so much more than just leaving a building. It was like leaving a part of our family. A part of us that embedded themselves in our hearts and lives for a year in close living spaces. 

As a result of our time there you get to know the faces. The stories. And, because we didn't yet have a car we still utilized the bus system. Everywhere we went, even though we had left CHIP we encountered the residents left behind. Along with all the other faces of our homeless population we had befriended that were visiting the soup kitchen adjacent to CHIP, every morning. All the faces that we used to see downtown as we traveled to the church and library every day. We saw them every where. Daily. Still. When you are homeless in this city Clearwater may have over 100,000 plus in this city but, it becomes a very small world very quickly when you know the faces on the streets on the same buses you ride on. Or as you are riding or walking to and from on a bicycle as my son and I did for awhile afterwards. 

It became such a small world for myself that I had decided to avoid going downtown altogether. Once I got a car a few months later I would take every route I could around the center of downtown Clearwater just to avoid "the faces" we left behind. I would avoid familiar bus stops in shopping malls. I would avoid parks. I would go to the other side of town to go grocery shopping to avoid the same places everyone else was going. 

I wasn't doing it because I was snubbing anyone. I wasn't going through so much effort because I no longer wanted to see any of those faces. In a small way I did. Because it was part of our lives we had to walk away from and learn how to adjust back into what we used to know as "normal" for us. I wasn't upset with any of these faces. Not ever. It would depress me just to see them in fact. Once I got a car I did in fact go back to CHIP while it was still open. Breaking the rules of returning even for a visit. Because I was genuinely attached emotionally to the "faces" we left behind. Our stay wasn't just regular routine for case managers at CHIP. It was as much a part of their lives as it was ours. 

When the City of Clearwater's leaders officially had CHIP shut down they might have merely shut the doors of a building as far as they were concerned but, they shut down the very place, amongst a few in this city that was a doorway into my soul. They might have displaced close to 60 some residents in a building that was obviously a part of their vision of "eye sores" in this city but, they misplaced 60 some souls that played an integral part in my family's life. In our hearts. That helped me discover a part of my soul I had never fully understood. My soul. 

Our case manager, Tim, had a request of me the day we left CHIP. "Please do not forget us and when you get a chance put in a good word for us." Hugging that man goodbye was the hardest thing I had done that week. 

Fast forward two years since then. Still in the same home. In the same city. Still. Despite all the harsh, unfair, and . Despite my feeling of helplessness toward the issue at times. Despite my overwhelming feelings of defeat when I try to advocate for our community's homeless population. For the re-opening of CHIP I have begged the city to consider. Despite all the letters I have written to the Mayor and City Council about our experience with homelessness in this city only to be disregarded with a casual emailed "shrug" of "don't know what to tell you? We've made up our minds." Next issue please. 

Last night sitting at the beach on Pier 60 looking up at the stars hoping to catch a glimpse of a falling star in the night sky I realized that while I may be a small part of God's universe but, I am also part of a much bigger plan to Him. Starting with the steps of my church and residency at CHIP. I didn't realize it then. But, I completely realize it now three years later. This week I have been educating myself in the world of politics. I even registered to vote for the first time in five years. I had lost complete faith in our democracy here in this country before then. How can I become a part of change when I am not even participating in voicing how that change should come about? Shame on me no doubt for failing in my part of change prior to then. I stand charged guilty on that issue. But hopefully I can redeem myself by participating in how change must come about now. 

The election for City of Clearwater Mayor is two years away for me. What once was said in frustration to help change how our city is viewed and portrayed when it comes to our homeless issues has become a much larger piece of the picture of change now for myself. And, if I didn't intend to have eyes focusing on me when it was said by myself that I wanted to "become the Mayor of Clearwater" it's a fact of my life now for sure. It has completely ruined my whole idea of leaving Clearwater and escaping to Alaska to sit and write a book in complete solitude. Drat it all, I have to stay now to see this through. Because if I leave who other than myself in this community is going to take a stand and fight back against injustice towards our homeless community? 

Who will stand up and speak at City Council public meetings if I'm not there? Who will speak upon asking how she feels about the way our homeless are being treated in Clearwater? Who will sit with the homeless friends she has made over three years and actually listen to how THEY feel? Who will write the letters to City Council and the Mayor's office about our homeless? Who will talk to newspaper reporters and tv news people about our homeless in Clearwater? Who will encourage random acts of kindness towards our homeless in the city? Who will, in the course of their daily travels in Clearwater? Will notice exactly WHO the homeless faces are in our city? Who when she is sitting on the grass watching a movie at Pier 60? Will take the time to notice just how many faces in the crowd? Are a part of our homeless population here in Clearwater?

Who will sit in their car in the parking lot of CHIP even though it's closed down and vacant now? And, wonder what she could do to encourage it's reopening amongst our community here in Clearwater? 

I will. 

I am but one person in this city, too. I am fully aware of just how big our city's population is, too. And, at times I feel so insignificant, too. So small. So defeated by much larger entities of our city government that I don't fully understand just yet. Feelings of discouragement surround me when I realize that I'm the only one aside from my pastor, standing at a podium speaking my voice of opposition to the Mayor and City Council. It felt as if they were staring right through me to the clock on the wall to avoid actually hearing my heart speak to them. Once again feeling disregarded. 

My heart indeed is still within the concrete walls of a vacant building over off Cleveland and Evergreen. My heart is still in the room in the back that was once my home for a year. All my tears. All my laughter with my son during the night hours in that room together? Are still there. All our hopes we talked about? Are still whispering within the building we called "home". All my son's hopes were encouraged there within the walls with a simple little tag placed above his bed with the name "Maverick." The people who walked the floors there during the day. Ed, Tim, Larry, Yi, Maurice and everyone else were never forgotten by me. All the random acts of kindness by people donating food and clothing to CHIP's residents? Were never forgotten. They still exist in our very home still. 

If it had not been for my church and CHIP's arrangements for my son and I to live there I would have never found where my soul and heart are now. My soul and heart were shaped by people who had faith in my son and I to overcome the situation. No matter what it took. They were our cheerleaders. They were the hands that held us up when hope was a small thing to us. CHIP led me to the City Council meetings recently over the last few months. CHIP led me to decide just what it was I needed to do to initiate a more humane way of change towards our homeless issues in the city of Clearwater. CHIP was what inspired me to go after something that wasn't even a hint to myself in my own life. To seek out the Mayor's seat in my own future. Regardless of how far away that may seem at the moment, to most people. 

The faces on the street of our homeless are my inspiration. Are my encouragement. The "silent" community I seem to feel I live amongst? Are my encouragement, because, someone has to stand up unafraid to initiate changes. I guess it has to be me. The faces of our homeless are the very people embedded in the memories of my life over the last three years. The memories of a vacant building that was once called CHIP are embedded in my memory. The pathway from my church all the way up the streets to Cleveland and Evergreen I have walked many, many days. It was that path that showed me just what was inside my soul, too. Each step a lesson. Each step a new reality. 

Who would have known that those very steps I took every day when I walked back and forth from CHIP and the church?

Would lead me right to where I was sitting last night. Under the stars on Pier 60.

With an overwhelming love and feeling of contentment within me.

To the realization a few months back that I COULDN'T leave this city to escape to Alaska for a life of solitude away from all of this. 

It would only follow me anyway.

Because, then I would to make it look like a prison. I would read about meetings at City Hall where oridinances restricting our homeless population's movements and liberties. I would more than likely read about our homeless being arrested despite the city claiming that it was not their "intention to arrest our homeless." I would read about yet another attack on community donations to feed our homeless individuals and families in public. 

I refuse to let those things chase me away to Alaska for a life of solitude. Writing about it in a book. I refuse to leave it behind and wonder if I could have done something to initiate and encourage change to our city government and how they are treating it's community residents. 

I'm going to stay right where I am in this city. Learn about what it's going to take to run in an election when it's announced in the future. I am going to read everything I can. Talk to anyone I can. I will go downtown to sit on the steps of a church and talk to our homeless residents. I will feed our homeless. In public. I will still park in the parking lot of a vacant CHIP and wonder when it will reopen and what it will take to make that happen. I will overcome the feelings of defeat and discouragement. I will continue to stand up at a podium inside City Hall and speak in front of City Council and the Mayor. Advocating for the reopening of CHIP. Advocating for our community's homeless. I will encourage random acts of kindness. Daily. As long as a prison like fence is going to be constructed around our library downtown? I will never set foot in it again. I will download e-books or spend time at other libraries. 

If anyone sees a car sitting in the parking lot of CHIP all by itself?

It's just me.

Thinking about what I will stand behind as I learn all about running a city. Starting with the vacant building of CHIP. 

Because, that's where it started for me. The journey within myself to my soul.

The soul of a once homeless single mother. 

(http://www.clearwaterpolice.org/chip/services.htm)