World Leaders Shut Russia Out of G-8: Leaders of seven of the world’s largest economies have agreed to freeze Russia out of the G-8 over its actions in Crimea and the Ukraine. Even though he always acts like tough-guy, Putin has to be thinking “wow, I could of had a G-8!”
Vogue Promises to Phase Out Skinny Models: Vogue magazine, perhaps the world's top arbiter of style, has vowed to no longer use models who are too young or too thin. Because nothing sells clothes quite like fat, old people.
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States Allowing Phone Carriers to Drop Land-Line Service: As consumers continue to move to wireless, states are passing controversial laws which would end requirements that phone companies provide everyone with land-line service. The phone companies are justifying the move by claiming there just isn’t enough land anymore to provide everyone with a land-line.
Katy Perry Says She’s Tired of Fame: Katy Perry shocked many when she told Teen Vogue that she’s really getting “tired of being famous” and longs for a more normal life. When pressed to further explain her remarks, Perry said if she has any additional comments about fame, she’ll release them through her publicist.
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Pope Warns Italian Mobsters: Pope Francis is warning Italian mobsters that they could end up in hell if they don’t repent and renounce their greedy, criminal ways. In response, mobsters warned the Pope that he could end up on Glee if he continues wearing those silly outfits.
Chinese Businessman Buys World’s Most Expensive Dog: A Chinese businessman has bought a Tibetan Mastiff puppy for $2 million, the most anyone has ever paid for a dog. That’s just insane! I mean, who wants a dog that’s gonna look at you like you’re trailer trash every time you try to pet it?
Woman Kills Man by Squeezing His Testicles: A Chinese man was reportedly killed when a woman squeezed his testicles until he collapsed during a fight over a parking space. Geez, talk about trying to squeeze your way into a parking space!