When Should Mom And Dad Stop Driving?

As we all know, this is a very sensitive situation. 

Driving seems to be one of the last strongholds of freedom when we get older. Think of how excited you were  when you first got your license, car and that taste of independence. You will be reluctant to give it up under any circumstances. This is what makes it so hard when your aging parent needs to hang up their fuzzy dice and you have to be the one to tell them.

We all have complained about older people on the road, especially here in Florida where there are so many seniors driving. They drive too slowly or they drive big cars that they can barely see over the steering wheel. We don’t even want to drive near them because we fear they can't see us or their reactions are slow.

There will come a time when you have to address the fact that your parent is getting too old or too ill to drive their car. What do you do? Here are a few tips to help you recognize the situation and approach the subject:

Determine if your parent is not driving well

The best way to do this is to go for a ride in their car with them. Nothing defines the challenges and conflicts of realities of aging that involves diminishing reflexes, changes in eyesight, cognitive and memory loss issues, and side effects of prescription medicines as does the first indication that mom is a real threat to herself and others while she is driving.  Look for signs of diminished skills and reflexes, like missing stop signs, weaving from lane to lane or not following traffic signals. If they seem nervous or jittery while driving, this is a sign of a problem.  The year before my mother moved to Florida, she blew out 4 tires on different occasions by hitting curbs when parking in New York.  She would come out of church or shopping and be surprised that she had a flat tire.  Hint, hint!

Have your parent's eyes checked regularly

Many older people have vision problems but will not admit it and avoid seeing the eye doctor. Schedule an appointment for your elder parent. Reassure your parent that they may only need a new pair of glasses. Seeing the eye doctor does not automatically mean they will lose their license to drive. It may just clear up a vision problem and they'll be back on the road before they know it.  A few months ago an elderly woman hit my car in the parking lot of the movie theatre.  She was nice enough to leave a note for me.  When I phoned her she said, “I don’t think my eyeglasses are working too good.”  All I could think of was that she had drove home in the dark that evening and what else could have happened. 

Have a conversation with your parent

Ask your parent about driving and if they feel that they can still manage and are comfortable driving. You may possibly get a suspicious, serious look or an argumentative tone. Remain calm and remember that you are talking about their independence. Think how you would feel if someone tried to take away your license. I don’t even want to think about the day I may no longer be able to drive.  Remember not to treat your parents like children; just find out how they feel about driving. You might be surprised they have been waiting for someone to ask.

Talk to your parent's doctor

Your parent's doctor won't likely discuss your parent's medical chart with you, that's confidential. However, you may want to enlist the aid of the family doctor to discuss driving with your parent during their next appointment. Your parent may not want to hear it from you, but they will listen to their trusted family physician. If your parent is denying they have vision problems or judgment issues and continue to drive, it may result in an accident. For this reason, a visit with the family physician voicing your concerns would be expected. Your parent's doctor may have to be the one to tell Mom or Dad that their driving needs to be limited or eliminated altogether.

If it doesn't work to talk to family friends or physicians, or if these steps don't yield results, you can file an unsafe driver report with your state's Department of Motor Vehicles. (Police officers and physicians can also file unsafe driver reports.) Contact your state's DMV to find out the exact procedure, as rules vary from state to state. DMVs generally take such reports seriously, although many are too understaffed to respond quickly. Your letter should include your reasons for making the complaint, as well as information about how authorities can contact your parent or other family members. Be as specific as you can when outlining your reasons for believing that someone poses a driving risk.

After receiving a complaint, the state agency will contact the person and request a medical evaluation. The agency might also require a driving test. Depending on the findings of these evaluations, they could either restrict his license (some elderly people cannot drive on the highway or at night, for example) or revoke the license altogether.

No one likes losing their independence at any age. When safety issues are at stake, you may have to deal with the fact that your parents are no longer able to drive by themselves. Enlist all the help and support you can get if and when this decision needs to be made.

Linda Burhans is a Caregiver Advocate with Harmony Home Health (www.harmonyhh.com) and is the author of the book “Good Night And God Bless”