A guy always remembers his first time

Much of the following will be totally unfamiliar with anyone born much after 1975, but it explains how I came to disappoint my wife for the first time; it happened during our engagement. (This was the precursor of many other disappointments she has endured over the years.)

Before World War II (in the 1930s. chillen) a radio mainstay was the quiz show. There were a multitude of these, featuring a host asking questions and contestants attempting to answer them. The prizes were exceedingly low by today’s standards; one of the more popular was the $64 Question and that was the top prize. 

After the end of the war, television came on the scene, at least in the major cities. The quiz show proliferated in the new media. By the 1950’s, the shows were extremely popular; the producers loved them because they were relatively inexpensive to produce; the public watched them because the value of prizes had become much larger. By 1959, the most popular of the genre was the 64 Thousand Dollar Question. That program was involved in scandal; it was discovered that it had been rigged! 

One show was The Big Payoff, broadcast between 3:00 and 3:30 every weekday afternoon on CBS. The show was “live” television. Featured on each show were an Engaged Couple. Late in 1956, I wrote the program that my fiancée and I would be perfect for that role.  I must have been very persuasive because we received a letter that said we would be on the program during the upcoming spring vacation. 

The format of the program was not complex. The engaged woman sat on a throne, expected to freeze an adoring smile as she gazed upon her betrothed. The object of her raptness would be asked four questions; the prize for the final question was a mink coat and a honeymoon anywhere in the world. The former was enthusiastically modeled, by a former Miss America Bess Myerson which earned her the sobriquet, “The Lady in Mink”. 

At the appointed time on a Wednesday afternoon, we arrived at the CBS studio. Relatives in the New York area were given advance notice and, based on the feedback, the entire family was watching. 

I was introduced to the Host, Bob Paige. (I have no hesitation about telling this tale; Mr. Paige died in 1987. Ms. Myerson, however, is very much alive.) Joan was already ensconced on her throne, practicing her adoring gaze. 

Bob asked if I were nervous and I replied that I had some radio experience during high school and college and was fine. “Well”, Bob continued, “let’s go over some stuff, anyway. You may be asked a geography question. For example, if it’s 9 PM in San Francisco, what time is in New York City?” I answered, quickly, that it would be midnight and he beamed with pleasure and admiration. 

“Another type of question might be about something like this: ‘The French flag has the same colors as ours, but in three vertical stripes. Which color is closest to the pole?' ” I said, “Red” and Bob replied, “No, it’s blue, but that’s the type of question we might ask.” 

Bob, by now my best friend, went on. “We might ask about someone in the news. For example, ‘Who is Curtis LeMay?” This was an Air Force general who very involved in the “Cold War” with the Soviet Union and I stated all of this. 

“Fantastic”, Paige enthused. It was clear that he had never met someone who combined ultimate wisdom, knowledge and charm. And then it was time for the program to begin. Remember, Joan knew nothing of my conversation with the Host. Recorded music started and we began the show. Lavish introductions and Ms Myerson modeled the mink coat Joan would surely be wearing on our honeymoon in Rome! 

First question: “When it’s 9 PM in California, what time is it in New York?” Please note the variation in the question. I answered, “Midnight” and, as they say, the crowd went wild. I could see the admiration on my Sweetie’s face.

Second question: “The French flag has the same colors as ours, but in three vertical stripes. Which color is closest to the pole?’”. Based on my newly acquired knowledge, I said, “Blue.” Longer and louder applause followed.

Third question: “Who is Curtis LeMay?” By now, the pattern was clear. 

The fourth and “Mink and Rome” question would have to be postponed until the following day as time was up. After we had left the studio, Joan and I discussed all that had transpired. At this point, we had won about $800 worth of muslin sheets (which would never be used, said the Love of My Life) and assorted small appliances. But next day we would get The Big Payoff! 

We arrived a bit early the next afternoon and were totally ignored. Joan was shown to her throne and I went off to see Bob Paige, Bess Myerson or anyone. Right before show time, Bob appeared. “Bob”, I said, “I’m a little nervous. Is there anything you want to discuss?” He said there was wasn’t but that I had done so well the previous day he had no doubt that Joan and I were virtually on the way to Rome.

Big introduction followed; “Back with us this afternoon are Joan and Jim. They did so well yesterday, they have already won hundreds of dollars of fine gifts.” [Applause.] Joan is looking so proud, waiting to don the coat that Bess is twirling a garment that had cost the lives of many minks. 

And now the final question: “What is the major shipping canal of Scotland?” 

Goodbye, mink coat; goodbye, fountains of Rome.

[Just in case anyone gives a hoot... the answer is --or was -- the Caledonian Canal.]