Health & Fitness
At the Edge of 30 ... Entering Uncharted Territory
Evaluation, life, new direction, testimony.
I'm not quite sure what happened. Don't know when the murkiness cleared and revealed the ugly truth ... unsure of when it began but glad its ended ...
I'm on the brink of turning 30, and I am not where I expected to be in life. At 20, the plans I had for myself had a massive life-altering accident. It's been dark & gray for awhile ...
"What do you do when the life you've plan has shattered? What do you say when the one you love is gone? How do you live when there is no hope for tomorrow?"
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It seems as if one day I awoke and saw family, friends, objects, buildings, government, education — I guess LIFE from a crisp and fresh perspective. Logic tells me this freshness did not occur overnight but has been progressing for sometime and has manifested itself so big that it can no longer be overlooked.
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I don't know if this "clear vision" is a result of being 3 months away from turning 30, being unemployed twice in a 2-year period, nearing the four-year anniversary of my mother's death, experiencing the death of my paternal grandmother, or a culmination of these events and others that have shaped my life. And while I don't relish those intense, indescribable, moments of torment, I'm grateful for the experiences.
For the first time:
I've completely walked away from people that I loved, who said they loved me but every time I turned around, they were hurting me. In the words of Keshia Cole, "I remember when my heart broke, I remember when I gave up loving you, my heart couldn't take no more of you ... I was sad and lonely."
I've accepted that it's OK for me to take a break from becoming "Dr. Flowers" in order to get to know me, love me, accept me, flaws and all.
I know that even 11-year friendships/relationships have to be laid to rest because the interests, beliefs, values ... that bonded us together have weakened. You refuse to acknowledge the woman I've become, and I sure don't know the person who appears before me. So in order to end on a high note, we have to say good-bye to yesterday. --"I don't know where this road is going to lead. All i know is where we've been and what we've been through ... It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday ..."
I'm glad to say I don't have any kids. I've wanted a husband and 2-3 kids (if I get a boy and a girl, I'm cool with two) since I was 19. I always figured that after college by the age of 26, I would have been married with some mini-me's. It wasn't meant to be then but I have faith that it will soon come to pass because I know that what "God has for me, it is for me."
"Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for; evidence of things not seen" -- Hebrews 11:1
I'm not where I want to be, but FAR from where I used to be ... gotta carry on to see what the end's gonna be.
This uncharted walk has been far from easy. It's not easy being the first-generation college graduate. It's not easy to attend a church different from that of the rest of your family. It's not easy to watch a strong independent woman become dependent. Definitely not easy to confront "blood relatives" and watch them lie to your face. Not easy watching friends share births, marriages, Mother's Day with their moms. Not easy being the "ugly duckling." Not easy rebuilding my faith BUT through it all ...
God has been so gooooood. I couldn't tell it if I tried...<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2-9_X_wYWO4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
to be continued ...