F.E.A.R.-- False Emotion Appearing Real

Fear. Its palpable. So thick, you have to cut it with a knife. So high, you have to scale it. So intimidating, it conquers the greatest victor. Not me, not this time!

That's right, I am going to beat fear's butt like it has never been beaten before because GIANTS DO FALL. Every since my mother died 3 years ago, fear has eaten away at my life, my core, my inner self, my trust for GOD. I have been afraid of living for fear of dying. Scared of people getting close to me because I didn't want to endure the pain of them leaving me. 

On the outside, I look fine but on the inside there is a chaos galore. It wasn't until this year that I have started to come back to myself. Rediscover who this new person is that reigns inside of me. I know it may sound foreign to the readers who have never experienced a devastating loss before but for those who have, I hope you find yourself in familiar company.

A loss could be divorce, 100 pounds, that job you've had for a million years. Overtime, without you realizing it, it started to define you, and you lost sight of who you were before you ever got married, gained the weight, or obtained that job. That's how I was when my mom passed away. I remember the words the lady on the phone said, she said, "Your mother has expired." I said OK and hung up the phone. I think my mind was blank at the time. I was hoping that in the 3.5 hours it would take me to get back to Tampa, I would find my mother alive and better than when I left. It was not to be so.

Now that I think about it, people don't expire, cheese expires, milk expires. ... I thought the terminology was odd at the time but every profession has its lingo. Anyway, when I came back, I was never again the same. The first year I was ANGRY. The second year I was SAD, SAD, SAD. This third year has been ReJuvenating. I'm discovering how to live without my best friend, my backbone, my sole supporter. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is! I'm taking all the tools, knowledge, and wisdom that she gave me to do what I want to do, even if it means moving away from all I've ever known. "Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving"-- some rapper's song.

This is a blog posting to fear. I've got my strength back and I refuse to go back into hiding. Like Diana Ross with "I'm Coming Out!" When you push, I'm going to push harder. I encourage all you blog readers to do the same. Don't let fear beat you up and make a fool outta you. Because while fear is winning, you are losing all the success you could have if you had not given up to fear.