Journey of the Adoptee

Growing up, I never felt as if my twin brother and I were any less part of the family. There are obvious differences in our physical traits. My sisters are Italian and German and very tan. I on the other hand am a fair redhead with hazel green eyes and freckles. Our personalities are remarkably different as well. This has made me question whether personality is more strongly influenced by biological or social factors.

The circumstances of my adoption never concerned me and I never really pressed to know the reason why.  I have had no animosity towards my birth parents for making the decision to give us up, no matter what their reason may have been at the time.  If even for selfish reasons we were blessed to be placed in a loving home and given opportunities that we may not have otherwise been provided. 

My parents shared with me the little information they knew about my birth family at the time of our adoption. My birth mother was supposedly 21 years old and a local student.  I have tidbits about my mixed heritage, but I have no paperwork to back anything up.

When I became a mother in 1996, I took the first steps to actively pursue my adoption records to know more about my medical history.  I also felt that it was important to fully understand my family’s heritage or it will forever be blurred starting with my generation moving forward.  I can’t tell my children what their full maternal genealogy really consists of and that has really concerned me.

Florida is one of the few states that don’t allow access to adoption records without a court order.  Playing the medical card, I petitioned the court and was granted my records.  Unfortunately, the only records provided was a court transcript of our adoption hearing (providing no birth name) and a note that read “See Catholic Charities.”  Private agencies are not under the jurisdiction of the court and therefore do not have to provide records.

I hit a road block.  

Since I was adopted through a private agency my records are sealed. At this time, there is no indication my birth family has tried to search for me nor have they updated their contact information with the agency if I should inquire.  My only option at this time is to hire a private investigator through the agency to search for my birth family based on the last known information from 37 years ago, which will not be shared with me. 

The agency did, however, provide me with very scarce non-identifying information. It served me no purpose, though.  I never told my parents I went this far with a search, as I have not wanted to hurt their feelings in any way or make them feel threatened.  At this point in my life I haven’t even figured out what level of contact I would want with my birth family, if any.  It’s always been about obtaining information that I feel every adoptee has a right to know.  

Over the years I have joined multiple adoption reunion registries on the internet where birth families and adoptees can register in the hopes of finding a match. No matches yet. In the last five years I took a break from tracking these registries as it became emotionally and physically draining. 

I have come to accept that perhaps it’s not in the cards for me to know more about my past. Perhaps that is the universe’s way of protecting me from learning something that may devastate me.  The ball is in my birth family's court. If it’s meant to happen, perhaps one day my phone will ring.

Without even realizing it, many people take for granted knowing where they came from and their true roots.  Looking at family photos and recognizing that you get your wavy hair from your maternal grandmother or your strong chin from your father are all things that make up who we are as individuals. 

For most adoptees, simple questions may never be answered, leaving a hollow void.  This often prompts a search for biological family members or at the very least adoption records that may provide some insight on such details.

As an adoptee since birth, I want to stress that it is imperative for adoptive parents to support their adopted child if they decide to begin a search.  It’s natural for adoptive parents to feel threatened, but it is truly without reason.  The parents who raised me will always be considered my parents.  I know many adoptees share this feeling. There is a drive deep down within us to find out who we are and that begins with learning about our past.

Ann Kistner of Largo was adopted when she was only 10 weeks old. Since high school, she had the desire to find her birth family.  Initially wanting to learn more about her medical history, she realized she wanted to understand more about herself.  

"I think it's important to know where you come from, what your background is, where you get certain quarks from, and who you look like," she said.

At 18 years old Kistner began a search for her birth family with her adoptive mother’s support. Her adoptive mother was there every step of the way.

Kistner’s adoptive mother supported her daughter’s decision to search for her birth family.“My only concern was for her. I did not want her to be hurt or rejected,"  she said.

Kistner recently found her birth family including two sisters and three brothers via information obtained in her adoption records. She has plans to meet her birth mother and siblings in person soon.

“It’s a missing link. When you find your birth family, you feel that a weight has been lifted. You feel like you have finally let out a breath that you have been holding and you just didn't realize you had been holding it,” Kistner explained.

Most adoptions today usually require that basic medical and genealogical history is provided to the agencies by the birth parents.  Adoptees who do not encounter roadblocks to this minimal information the quest for their birth family is a big step in feeling whole. 

Adoptees need the support of their adoptive families as they make this journey, no matter what the outcome. 

I love my parents and my sisters. No one will ever replace who they are to me. I just want to find "me".

Local Adoption Resources:

Catholic Charities of St. Pete

Florida - Heart Gallery of America, Pinellas and Pasco County

Florida Adoption