Pimp My Socks

           Why aren’t more things customized?  We live in the age of license plates that brag about a driver’s tax bracket.  We live in a time where there are more tee-shirt advertisements than an overhead shot of a NASCAR race.  We live in an age that seems ready-made for specialization and customization.  And yet, very few things are customized.  

SOCKS---Why are ninety-seven percent of socks either black or white?  What happened to argyle socks?  Outside of a golf course, you don’t see much argyle anymore.  The Duke has got to be pissed at us from the afterlife that his signature accomplishment in life, brightly-colored designer anklewear, has all but disappeared.  I’d wear different socks if I didn’t have to recruit enough Bengali kids to form a sweatshop in order to find them.  I bet the sweatshop kids would like a little variety.  It’s not easy working twelve hour days for thirteen cents an hour.  The least we could do would be to let them make some neon socks.  

FEMALE ACCESSORIES---Women are masters at finding the right earrings to match their shoes, and yet there is precious little customization in women’s clothes and accessories.  What happened to the elbow-length glove?  Those things were awesome.  Why do so many bras take their color cues from socks?  Granted, in my time, I’ve seen many more leopard print bras than socks but, still, I expect even more variety.  What about tampons?  What woman wouldn’t want argyle tampons?  Okay, I just figured out the answer to that one.  Sorry—didn’t think that one all the way through.  I’m a guy and there’s no male tampon equivalent, thanks be to God.  But, back to bras.  Who says that bras must fasten in the back?  There are still some front fastener bras out there, staying strong for their sisters, but why do they need fasteners at all?  Couldn’t all bras function just as well as slip-on articles of clothing?  Couldn’t the clasps be on the sides?  Wouldn’t shoulder clasps be more convenient?      

HAIR CARE PRODUCTS---Why do we use bar soap on our bodies and liquid semi-soap on our hair?  The soap bar is so ubiquitous that all showers come equipped with little, non-customized, soap racks with the ridges so the bar won’t melt into your shower wall.  That’s how hooked we are on barred soap.  And must shampoo come in a squeeze tube?  Why can’t shampoo be barred.  I could wash my hair with a shampoo bar.  You could, too.  You just don’t know it yet.  Why isn’t there shampoo made especially for our other body hair?  I can’t speak for all of you out there, but I have hair in places other than just my head.  Why isn’t there a shampoo for underarms?  You’d think someone, in a country as awash with useless crap as ours, would have come out with a line of underarmpoo by now.  What about pubicpoo?  I’d buy a bottle of pubicpoo just for the novelty of it.  I’d use it, too, and you’d all be jealous of my clean, manageable pubic hair.  I’m going to shampoo my other body hair tomorrow just to see what it feels like.  I’ve never understood the need for conditioner.  I haven’t used conditioner since the Clinton administration, and my hair’s in pretty much the same condition it’s always been in.  

TRANSPORTATION---We love our cars and yet they still mainly come in only a few, limited shapes.  There aren’t hardly any convertibles anymore.  Why aren’t there double-decker cars?  Why aren’t there more striped cars?  How come we’ve been promised flying cars for decades and I haven’t seen one since “Back to the Future II”?  Surely, Michael J. Fox wouldn’t lie to us.  Why are most cycles “bi”?  Sure, you see the occasional “uni” and plenty of “tri” cycles, but the "tri’s" are only around to train a kid for his future “bi”.  What about four and five wheeled non-motorized vehicles?  Why can’t I ride a quadricycle, a quinticycles, or the foot-powered equivalent of the tractor-trailer, a double novocycle?  

           These are some extreme, and extremely ludicrous, examples of the idea, but the idea is still valid.  If we want to continue to bill this generation as one with varying opinions, tastes, and more individuality than a county fair goldfish tank, we might want to have some evidence to back it up.  We’re told what to think, what to wear, what to drive, and what gels we should massage into our hair on a daily basis.  We could at least find a way to customize our massive amounts of crap, couldn’t we?