An Exposed Heart, Beginning & End

"The Pitfalls of Mature Dating"

By Kenneth Stepp

Mature Dating makes it sound like I believe myself to be mature. All I know is I’m no spring chicken, I’m fresh out of a long term marriage, and maturity isn’t what I am really known for. I just need to clarify that.

Wrapping my mind around what I have exposed my heart to over the past year has been difficult to see. Taking an inventory of the damage is a part of this quest I have been thrown into. Trying to manage my emotions, feelings, and thoughts is a phenomenon that is very new to me. Injecting logic into an already confusing pile of wreckage seems to be impossible on good days. On bad ones, I don’t even try.   

Every journey has a beginning. Contrary to what most believe. Many have no ending. Especially in matters of the heart. In my life, I have watched people lose the love they believed would their forever. Then a journey to find it again takes shape. Not only does every journey look different. But the same person’s journey changes constantly. One does not expect this when beginning their journey. But, it is a certainty. Mistakes will be made, you will be deceived, lied to, and simply miss where the people you meet are coming from altogether.

Now, about endings. I have known too many that loved and lost, maybe most. I’ve had friends that never did find the love they desperately searched for. Good people, loving people, with so much to offer. I’ve watched them settle for temporary instead of holding out for what they really want. Seeing them with someone and still being open to finding someone else is ugly. I’m not judging them. I judge no one. I moralize nothing. They do things in order to endure a life that years ago they enjoyed. It’s hard to watch. Even harder to live through.

I have been on both sides of this scenario. I didn’t mean to be, didn’t want to be, but have found myself there. Neither one is comforting at all. Both are painful. For this reason, many decide to simply get off the roller coaster and watch others ride. Sometimes it’s just a break. For some it’s a lifestyle. Doing what they can to survive. To live with as much joy and as little pain as possible is the goal. We all see different paths to accomplish this.

As for this moment. My heart is busy. It is hopeful. It is ready. Or at least I think it is most days. Then there are those days when I hyper-focus on past loves. God, I hate Google. It allows you to find way too much out about people. Why can’t I move on and every girl I ever loved sit at home and hope I return? I guess if this were my hope, I not only never really loved them. But I need to be treated for narcissism as well. I’m not sure that can actually be treated, but it’s nice to think it can be.

Getting up smiling and hopeful is kind of my personality. Going to bed the same way isn’t something I pull off most of the time though. The day wears on me, I get a little tired, my guard drops and boom. There it is. A painful memory or thought I thought I had beaten long ago. I really do not believe it’s a guy thing. I believe it’s a human thing. A trait those lucky sociopaths never have to deal with. You know you have hit bottom when you say that.

For now. I sit writing about love and politics, as if I understand them better than someone else. Let me announce right now. The more I study each one. The more I realize I don’t know. If only I could go back to the good old days when I knew nothing but thought I understood everything. It was a great life then. I need an “Unknow” pill. Hey, i’d try it if they made it. They say there is a pill for everything. I’m putting in my request right now. Keep your logical mind engaged people. The emotional one is one to five ratio bad feelings. Remember that.