DATING AFTER DIVORCE & VALUING OTHERS

By: Kenneth Stepp

“Where everyone is as important as anyone”. I actually coined that phrase. It’s on the front page of my nonprofit’s web site. But, do I live it? Some days more than others I guess. My fractured, ADD infected brain works in ways, even I can’t understand. How do we find value in others? For me. It’s been easier to show strangers love, than people I know. At least there are times. Once I find something to judge about a person. Loving them is not an option.

“You can’t love them, if you judge them” – Mother Teresa

I quote this often. I read it for years without understanding it. I was blocked from knowing it’s meaning by my fundamentalist beliefs I allowed to run my life for so long. As soon as I lowered those walls. I got it. It was like a light went off. I had judged, not loved. I had been taught that judging WAS loving. I was a staunch defender of that faith too.  Now, my friends and those I hang around with look very different, I find value where I was blind to it before. I am thankful for that now.

We are all valuable. Equally worth everything. Standing together in this game of life. It is a game you know. If it isn’t. Someone sure handed out a lot of rules to play by. My least favorite so far has been the blending ourselves together part of the game. Seldom do either party want to really blend anything. I have noticed most want to dictate the way things will go.  For example. I had lunch with a girl i had talked online with for two weeks. This was before I had talk text. She text me on the way home. I waited until I was home to read it. Just before I got home, my phone text started blowing up. I arrived and looked at my cell. She sent me at least 15 texts after the first one, telling me off, calling me names, etc. Why? Because I didn’t answer the first text fast enough. I saw none of this during our lunch together. Scary stuff.

Her value of me was based on me complying with her idea of the way things should be. Not actually see my worth as an individual. I admit. I am complex. I can try anyone’s patience. If they have a template they expect me to fit into. We probably won’t even be friends latter. Much less lovers. My mood shifts. It shifts all the time. And I allow it. I indulge my mood swings. An example of this is there are times when I just want to be alone. This morning I got up, got ready, and headed to my favorite spot, The Top Dawg Tavern. I woke at 4:00 am and worked on my nonprofit ads, wrote an article for a publication, and decided the rest of my day would be better here.

When a relationship forms. Things should change. At least, that’s the theory. Unfortunately. Over 40 is so different from early 20’s. All that hope and unbridled optimism bursting forth, leading ALL the decision-making process. At my age. There are not only many more things to consider. We also have all this baggage that enters into things. To deny it is to deny the sun came up this morning. I believe the way we value others can have a narcissistic edge to it if we aren’t careful. Every thought is filtered through, “how does this matter to me”. I was never like that. Now, I fight it with everything in me. I lose to that one a lot. Unfortunate as that may be. I just do.

I began this with a deep passion for others. I end it with that intact. I worry about my changes these days. I wonder if others do. Do they know it’s happening to them? Is this going on with others? I would love to know. Am I the only one that feels this? I guess I might never know. Or, like many times. My readers let me know.

k@kstepp.com

Founder, American Angel Works