Dating After Divorce “Giving Up”

By: Kenneth Stepp 

To quit. To end. To subside. Whatever your terminology. It’s giving up. I write this because I think about it every day. Somedays. It consumes me. There are moments when all I want to do is drift into hermit mode. Lately. I have been there a lot. Have you ever just wanted to curl up inside yourself and hide? 

Today reminded me why I am alone so much. Today was a tough one. Legal, civil issues. Part of being the other half of a failed marriage, divorce, and finances. Money comes back up every few months. Reminding me of a dream that died a horrible death. It cannot be resuscitated, or even kind to one another. We are simply, respondent and plaintiff every time finances change. I remember 26 years ago when we couldn’t get enough of one another. It is such an odd feeling now. It seems so foreign. But, that is the reality of one becoming two again. I’m still baffled why we become opponents. Another subject for another day I guess. 

I spent time with a friend today. We were friends since my old Promise Keepers days. He received his papers last week. It was so clinical. I wanted to just tell him it would all work out and be great soon. But, I couldn’t lie to him. It really doesn’t It lingers. It leaves more than a mark, it leaves an open wound. Seeing my friend hurting, got to me. I know the road in front of him. I also know it looks nothing like he thinks. It has darkness, loneliness, confusion, and pain. It will test his emotions and will to go on. These I did not share with him. Not yet. Again. Another day. Today. He has enough pain. 

What keeps us going? Friends, people who love us with all our flaws, and sheer will. Those are my dark horsemen. Then there are those days when nothing keeps us going. Blood pumping throw us and oxygen entering our lungs. Nothing more. Those days are dangerous. They are the days when the pain of breathing, thinking, and loss. Simply overwhelm everything else. I know this isn’t the most upbeat thing I’ve written. But, I try to write from the heart. And this is where my heart is today. I am reminded of past failures. Of working endlessly for what I hope happens, and how alone I have become. There are days when I am an island. 

Many times I talk about me. I do this to draw out these same feelings in my friends that read me. I believe we all have these dark moments of the soul. We all have a sense of failure and loss. What we do with these is not always up to us. i do know that it’s popular to say it is. But life has made us who we are and taught each of us how to react when these moments come. Some simply are not equipped to handle it. Confusion goes into pain, pain goes into a flurry of thoughts. It can be paralyzing. 

How are you doing? Can you answer that honestly? Do you sense futility at times? We all have. There are days when we just don’t want to get up, put on that fake smiley face, and travel from one thing to the other fooling the world. Some days. We are too tired to perform like that. A circus clown thankful for all the makeup. 

If you have never been there. I’m happy for you. I have to think we all experience this at times. Some more than others. I suppose it is in proportion with the amount we have loved. If we have loved deeply. These feelings will be stronger and last longer. Today was an interesting day. 

www.stepplife.com 

Founder, American Angel Works