By Kenneth Stepp
This topic is not something I usually write about. Mostly I write about politics or the economy. But this topic has invaded my life. I have some unique views on it, and thought I would share my journey.
After twenty seven years doing life with the same woman, with no touch, love, or communication to speak of, my rebound relationship happened with a bang. I met someone on an online dating site, her name was Susan. Actually she emailed me. As a newbie, I was flattered. My goal was to find forever, real love, etc. You know the drill. But how does a person find “The One” without dating a lot of different girls, you know, a serial dater? I formulated a plan using all the gray matter I could muster.
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I would share emails, texts, and calls with just a few. When the right ingredients seemed apparent we could meet. This theory ran off almost everyone. But one hung in there, actually liked the plan a lot. I thought I had hit pay dirt. After weeks of getting to know one another on the deepest levels available electronically, we decided to meet. Little Five Points is on the fringe of the inner workings of Atlanta proper. It was about half way between our homes. Artsy and eclectic. It was the perfect place to meet for us both.
The time came. I can’t remember ever being so nervous. I parked next to her car in a parking lot. All of the sudden I saw her. A vision. Way over my head was my first thought. Girls like her do not fall for guys like me. Again, nervous. She walked up with a smile. We hugged and decided to sit at an outdoor cafe and talk. I felt so outclassed and out of my league.
Six hours later we looked at the time. It felt like thirty minutes. I was falling fast. During that six hours she stopped and kissed me on the cheek. I cannot remember why or in what context it came, but it made me feel maybe she liked me for what I am and who I am. We walked to our cars. We kissed so passionately. I swear her eyes were eternal. I was lost in them. She was speechless. We just stared into one another’s eyes for a while. Wow. I honestly never saw that coming. All the way home the logical part of my brain repeated “You can not love her”.
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Too late, I was gone.
We spent every moment together as we possibly could. We couldn’t get enough of each other. In no time we were exclaiming undying love for one another. This love redefined the love that I knew in the past. And for me, the intimacy was all day sessions, and wonderful, the touching, kissing, oh my gosh the kissing. We could kiss for hours on end, and never get tired. One day it simply ceased. Everything was bigger than "us". Nothing changed. Life just happened. I believe it was her defenses to find things wrong because deep down she knew it wasn’t right.
”But was it real?”
After the breakup I was completely sunk. I fell into a depression for days. It actually concerned me. But as always happens with Mr Logical here. I woke up one day and realized it was all emotions, and not worth my time or energy. Then began the online dating world again. I began connecting online with hundreds all of the sudden. Hey, that worked when I was a kid didn’t it? To get over a girl, go get another girl. But in the back of my mind I knew that intensity I felt with Susan. And nothing would ever compare to that. One day she and I shared a few emails. Mostly because I drank too much one night (I never do that) and sent her an email. I’m glad I did. Here is what I learned through this. And in one day.
The relationship was a farce. Not intentionally. But in practice. A rebound relationship happens after getting out of a bad relationship. In my case it was years without intimacy, touch, or even a kind word. Not really a relationship at all. I was told almost daily that she wished I would leave, I wasn’t loved, you get the picture. I tried for the last seven years to earn her love to no avail.
In walks “Her”. All of the sudden someone is interested in me for me. She thinks I’m smart, sexy, handsome, and wants to spend forever with me. Of course I was in love. Who wouldn’t be? I’m now somebody to someone. She decided in fairness to get checked for STD’s just because we knew I came spotless. I remember telling her even if she had AIDS I’d stay. I meant it. I never felt such unconditional love for someone in my life. I didn't know this kind of love existed. I found out later that it doesn’t. It took a cold slap of reality to get that. But the intensity was real enough.
Our emails back and forth that day taught me so much. They really released me from pining over this super love lost. She said later. after things changed we should have dinner. I thought for two people so deeply in love this sounded kind of odd. It dawned on me that I had unfairly projected this super love I felt on the image of how I saw she loved me. Very unfair to her, and potentially damaging to me and any hope for a future with anyone. She and I defined love differently. Hers was very conditional. Mine was just silly. Did you ever wonder if silly might just work? It might. I assumed we were in the same place because we used the same language ie: love, forever, marriage, and “us” will always be bigger than anything. In fact it was just a fun fling I learned a lot though. Glad I had it, but being liberated from it has been enlightening and freeing. But at the end of the day there is still that little spot in the back of my tiny brain that wonders. Could we? Should we?
Knowing that a rebound relationship will always happen after s long relationship ends. Be ready for it. But understand what it is. Nothing life changing unless you both give it 100%. It is a blast. And needed. It will be as intensely good as the dead relationship you left was intensely bad. Unfortunately for me, mine was very very bad. So my rebound relationship was off the charts. Knowledge is everything to me.
One of the most profound things I learned was that my wife was a rebound relationship as well. We were both in dead, loveless, controlling, sexless relationships when we met in 1987. She was a dental hygienist in the high rise I worked in. I went for a cleaning. They discovered I had nine wisdom teeth. And sparks flew. It may not have been the nine teeth.
In summary
Since digging deep into what a rebound relationship is, I discovered that they can work out. The intensity at first can be the foundation of a real long term relationship. Even forever. But both parties have to throw caution to the wind and commit to that forever love. It requires a reckless abandonment of some defenses and dogma's we have grown to accept. My first rebound relationship made it twenty seven years. My last one could have been my last.
Susan
I am healing. Unfortunately there are days I find myself checking my email all day long. Just hoping for her to miss me like I miss her. Is this natural? I have no idea. All I know is my story. I am certainly no expert. Like most of you. Every romantic relationship I've had has ended. If I was with my wife for twenty seven years, I believe if given a real shot, my relationship with Susan could have been my last. Tomorrow holds hope. And hope is an incredible thing.
The fact that my marriage lasted twenty seven years says a lot I guess. But I am not sure what. I hope you learn from my journey. Keep your logical brain in the drivers seat folks. The emotional one can't steer.
