Dating Over 40, Fantasy vs Real Life

By: Kenneth Stepp

Finding myself single after twenty six plus years with my wife was a shock. Finding out how much being single has changed, was a bigger one. It has me rethinking everything. I am a very confident guy. The hyper-speed dating runs in, is something that throws me off at times. I lose my confidence. I never know what my date is thing. First, because she brings her experience with dating to the table. I can only imagine what she has seen and been through. I have heard some awful stories. This, at times, leaves me at an unfair advantage. It wasn’t me that did that to her.

If I had a style. It would be an attentive, respectful, gentleman. Or at least I believe this to be true. I’m open minded, and these are my default mode. Lately, I have felt a bit off balance. For one thing, the hours I keep are killing my social life. My journey to find “the one” has taken me down some interesting paths these past months. Good and bad ones. Some simply interesting. For me, I had this picture of what my life would be like by now.  My fantasy life. I actually had it for a moment. But, fantasy was all it was. Fleeting as well.

Fantasy Building

I think we place unrealistic attributes on others. Not just in dating. In all arenas of our lives. Dating just happens to be a testing ground we can see easily. However, parenting, work, heck, even when we are on the road driving. I want all the other drivers to drive more logically. My first relationship was fantasy. I projected on her, very unrealistic ideas. And, that is the way I saw her. I built her inside my head. I created my perfect partner.

Real Life

That bubble will burst. I call that, “When Life Happens”. It is usually devastating. Almost always painful. My imagination is such that this will happen again. It’s in my DNA. Then, there will be times when I will be the “real life” to someone else. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I am saying that it is going to happen sooner or later. Be prepared for it. You are going to meet someone amazing, invest your heart and time into them. Only to find they are just as flawed as you. What we do with this when it happens is what matters. If we remove ourselves from everyone that doesn’t match our fantasy. We will be alone a lot. Lonely too.

My day today will not be about being single, dating, or even looking. Today I am exploring Columbus Ga. I’m meeting a friend for lunch (BBQ), then I become a tourist. I’m not good at hiding the fact I am visiting. I’m constantly snapping pictures and getting too close to historical architecture and art. Columbus is one of, if not, my favorite Georgia town. In the last ten years the arts have taken over and made it a beautiful place.

As fellow travelers on this quicksand marred arena we call dating. We should perhaps go easier on one another. This is the same proverbial boat we are all in. We are all searching for something. Or, someone. It’s our nature. Part of the human experience. We are wire to be a partner in life. Many, maybe even most of us will never have this again. Sad but true. Dating is not fun. Fantasy is though. But having the bar set at the height of our fantasy is going to be unfair to us and those we meet.

Give Up - Give In

Giving up and giving in are two things I have seldom found myself doing. Yet, a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think it would be easier. Maybe it would. But the few times in my life I did, I regretted greatly. And regret kills the spirit a little every day. If only we could see others with our heart and not our logical brains. What a beautiful world that would be.

k@kstepp.com