Dating Over 40 "Why We Search For Love"

By: Kenneth Stepp

Respect, trust, and a confidant, has replaced, race, political affiliation, and religion as the top things we look for in a mate. Interesting. My guess is the generation from 18 to 30, simply care less about these things and more about the others. I find this heartening. There is hope, after all.

What keeps a marriage together? Choosing wisely. This is key. Also doing a lot of novel things together. This drives up dopamine levels. This is the reward system for the brain. By novel, I mean, change things up a bit. Impromptu trips to the mountains, a driving sightseeing trip, etc. Sex is good for you as well. With a climax there is a flood of endorphins. This evokes bonding, and feelings of contentment & attachment as well.

One study Dr Fisher did was of people that, at first meet, wasn’t attracted to a person, then fell in love with them. 40% of them experienced this. Maybe us first daters should rethink strategy. She says, men fall in love faster than women. I’ve experienced both sides of this, so the jury is still out in my case. Women get intimacy from talking. Men from doing. That makes sense.

Finding scientific answers as to why we love someone and not another is so helpful to me. I am on a quest to understand love. So far, I only know more that I do not know. One would think that at some point, the balance would tilt and answers would then outpace questions. At least, that’s the theory. Or, the hope.

We are, according to the study I cite, hardwired to mate. The study, which included neuroscientists and psychologists, explains this is a scholarly manner. It’s too long to write it all here. Do an internet search of “Helen Fisher”, for detailed explanations. Simple works for my Kentucky educated brain. I have mentioned that love has always had pain attached to it where I am concerned. Yet I still find myself wanting it again. So, I buy the hard wired theory. Think about it. If you say an attractive, exciting, big button that screamed, PRESS ME! You go for it, only fo find when you do, it shocked you. Do you keep pressing it? Nope. You learn and stop. Partnering doesn’t work that way at all. We fall in love, get hurt badly, dust ourselves off, and have another go at it. Silly, on it’s face. But natural.

Today. I will be out in the sun on an 81 degree, sunny day. I will meet so many new people. Will I be “doing the math” as I meet them? I believe now, this is human nature at it’s finest. Does it mean anything. I don’t think it does. Other than I am as human as the next guy. I have always known that finding my partner was the most important thing in my life. Now, I understand why. Chemicals make us do it. I do not believe we can help it. It is part of being human.

I made a conscious decision not to accept certain things from others right now. Guilt, shame, and judging. These serve no purpose. If a person is using these “tactics” against you, they are not on your side at all. I call them, Death, Doom, & Gloom. They are what they bring to a budding relationship. For me. I want to go slow enough to get my footing. Allow me to take the time to fall in love.

As always. I have more questions because of this articles, than I did before it. A friend of mine called me a love guru yesterday. I laughed (out loud, of course). I write because of what I don’t know about love, relationships, and dating. I have few answers at all. Strangely. I thought I understood it completely before I began this journey. Now, not so much.

k@kstepp.com

Founder, American Angel Works