Divorce, The Aftermath “Who Am I”

By: Kenneth Stepp

Is this where I turn into a philosopher or poet? I doubt I would be very good at either. So, I won’t give the mode I’m in a name. I will simply ask the burning question. Who am I? Do you ever wonder who you are? Who or what you have become? I do this constantly.

When I was married. My life had more consistency. I knew when I laid down at night, what the next day would look like. I think this is a common thing. I look back and see it. For me, every day is different. Although I find myself creating patterns. I visit the same places more lately, for example. But, I have fun doing it. I do find myself trying to create patterns quite naturally. I wonder if others do that?

Aftermath…. The word sounds like part of a movie title to me. It is the only one that rings true in this situation. Divorce means two things. One life is brand new. And your old life is now dead. It can be a scary path. I have to confess, mine looks nothing like I thought it would. Some days, it is creepy. Some even comical. Many, just sad. There is comfort in the known. Even if the known wasn’t that good. I suppose I am going back to partnering. I believe myself to be wired for nothing else. Getting there seems impossible at times. Improbable may be a better word for that one.

Who are you? Is there a core part that is changeless? I’m trying to find mine. My absolutes are few. I believe in God, I like girls, I appreciate intelligence, and I am a nurturer without enough time to nurture <sigh>. Forming my “self” around such few building blocks has been difficult. Do others think in these terms? Or has this single life made me crazy? No comments on that please. If I’m nuts, I don’t want it confirmed. I use to think I had to self discover to find the real me. Now, I believe I must create the real me from what I know is left of me. Welcome to the land of divorced souls…..

Divorce is a fairly new thing. In America, you could always be divorced. Yet almost no one ever got one. What happened? Here is where I wish I was a great philosopher. Instead, I’m Kenneth, and I’m not. I do ponder the what and why of divorce. I have met so many girls that were abused. I can’t imagine hurting another that way. Especially someone you took an oath to love with all your heart. I am genuinely sad my marriage didn’t make it. 26 years was a huge chunk of my life and hers. It’s sad.

Some of these girls were so damaged, so beat down. Self images were bruised too. It’s easy to say they should get all that fixed before the next relationship. But the next man might be the one that finally builds them up. Helps them see themselves through his eyes. It is not a bad thing.

“Sometimes the hardest part of the journey, is believing you're worthy of the trip.” ― Glenn Beck

Believing you are worthy? Welcome to my world. I am the most confident and optimistic man I know. Yet, I have struggled with this often. I am a keeper and know it. But preparing myself for the love journey again is fraught with obstacles. I have plenty of time one week. None the next. Am I too damaged to date, much less partner with? Can I still be Mr Right for someone? Most of my baggage has grown post divorce. I try, I fail. Then I turn into a hermit. I guess I just found my pattern. What’s your pattern? I’m betting like everyone else. You do have one you have become blind to.

www.stepplife.com

Founder, American Angel Works