Over 40 & Single Again - “Trust”

By: Kenneth Stepp

Trust has always came easy to me. I’m confident in most all things that I control. Money, although plentiful most of my life, never meant much to me, and love was in my life, most always. My biggest problem has been “over trusting”. As a matter of fact, losing my wealth came from just that. I never dreamt I would develop a problem not trusting. Yet, here it is.

My trust issues are more complex than the garden variety trust issues. I have no jealousy or control problems. My trust issues are more, “what am I not seeing about her”. Perhaps that’s because I have watched perfectly sane, logical, stable people, take the crazy train more than just a few times. Then there are the stories I hear when interviewing mature singles about dating. The first two things I learned about men, and online dating, was that many lie about their age and height. Being tall, and proud of my age. I found it more than a bit odd.

It Happened To Me

A week after splitting with my rebound relationship. I was back online. Mostly, because I really didn’t know what to do. We both agreed we should split. But, it still stung a little. A girl I had shared only one hello message with asked me to dinner. I said yes immediately. This broke my rule of two weeks getting to know one another. I should have heeded that rule. I drove over an hour, waited outside the restaurant so I could walk her in. I didn’t even recognize her. Now, everyone says I look exactly like my pictures. They are very recent and plentiful. We sat down and began our conversation. It turns out her pictures were from age 35, ten years earlier and 100 pounds ago (her words). I remained a gentleman, we enjoyed a great meal, and two hours of pleasant conversation. I left wondering if that was her goal. No real relationship can come from that. Or, I do not think it can.

For me, trust comes easy. I offer it to everyone freely. I seldom ever lost trust in anyone. These days it takes almost nothing to lose trust in people. Why is that? Another thing for me to process I guess. It is so contrary to who I am too. I do hope I return to that pie eyed boy I was just a year ago though. I liked him much more than the me I am now. At least in the trust department at least. I still see the best in people if they allow me to. Most do, some just can’t. Maybe they have been out there too long and allowed the single life to taint more than they should have. Hopefully they will find their way back.

For me. I am trying to restore the good in myself and get rid of the rest. Not sure it can be done. I have plenty about me I’d love to change. I’m thinking we all do. All we can do, is the best we can do. Or the best we can muster.

“The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress.” —Philip Roth

Writing is the salve that sooths my soul and helps me heal from the bruises I receive in life. This will heal the trust issues, as it has some others.  I’m thankful for having the nerve to do it. I’m told all the time to have my stuff edited if I want to be taken seriously. My answer is always the same. I don’t take myself seriously. I would hate to think someone else would.

“For your born writer, nothing is so healing as the realization that he has come upon the right word.”

—Catherine Drinker Bowen

k@kstepp.com