Over 40 Dating, “Cluttered”

By: Kenneth Stepp

Clutter? What does that have to do with dating? For me, it’s a feeling. I have met so many new people, seen so many new things, and been so many new place. My mosaic of life sometimes feels too full at times, cluttered. My mind seems to go so fast these days. More to process by the minute. I find myself doing things to slow it down. My mind is officially, cluttered.

Cluttered is a word that isn’t flattering at all. And I am saying my fellow humans are clutter. I hate that. Very unlike what I want to be like. What can I do? I am someone that really cares about others. This is a conundrum for me. People have value. All people. I am not one that paints people with a broad brush. We are all individuals All precious. I have people in my life that are fundamentalist Christians. They believe we should all hate Muslims. Not very Jesus like, But if it comes across on Fox News, it must be right.

Sadly, I use to be one of them. Until one day when I read a quote my Mother Teresa, for the hundredth time, “You can’t love them, if you judge them”. It hit me hard. I was programmed to judge. This is why I could not love. I began training myself to not judge and amazing things happened. Everyone became interesting, I cared deeply for perfect strangers, and more.

But, cluttered is what I am experiencing. My mind can’t keep up at all. My explorations of historical towns seem to help. But, only while I’m busy doing them. Trying to wrap my head around one thing at a time has been spotty at best. Have you been here? I am in a conversation with someone, ready to wrap up my point, and BOOM! I begin thinking of a outdoor cafe in Little Five Points again. I can see every detail, the sunny day, the water bottles, and her beautiful eyes. The person I am having a conversation with sees a guy in some sort of a trance. Or I’m sure that’s what it looks like.

Finding my way out of this jungle, has become a quest, that at times becomes a quagmire. There are days when my brain is going so many directions, that I stop answering my phone. I don’t want to babble at anyone. I consider myself a decent conversationalist. I’d like to be seen as such. Allowing someone to hear the garbled words that are crammed in my brain is not something I want.

Yesterday I was sent Dr Fisher’s lecture she gave at Ted Talk. It is about the science behind the emotional turmoil of rejection. My thoughts are, over time, processing this will be life changing for me. Knowing that these feelings come from my body creating chemicals, helps my logical brain cope with the damage and baggage I carry. Perhaps, when this sinks in. Some of this clutter. At least the painful parts, will subside and find a compartment to reside inside my active brain. This would release some of my time to more positive pursuits.

At the end of the day, I realize, I am mostly a “mental man”. Not that I am crazy, like some already believe, I am certain. I mean that my thoughts control my actions. To achieve proper actions. I must control my thoughts. Knowing the science behind that may help. Or, perhaps there is no help but time. If I live long enough, I will let you know. Until then. My rat race is internal. How about yours?

k@kstepp.com

Founder, American Angel Works