With Lucy Connor & Kenneth Stepp
Renee asked--This is a question i get a lot. Guys ask: how to go about asking a girl out because they have not dated in many years.
Lucy---I don’t think there is a specific formula. If they are talking face to face, he needs to get an idea of the kind of activity she would like. This is pretty easy if he is asking questions and listening to her. Make a plan to do something he knows she would like. Be specific about time, day, place - show her that he has put thought into it. Online is pretty to ask for a date…”What are you doing Saturday afternoon, want to go get some coffee?” In general, women like men to be considerate, decisive and be willing to pay for the first date….all are part of being a gentleman.
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Kenneth--- I haven't actually asked a girl out. I can't believe I'm admitting that here. Most either ask me or we agree to just meet. Straight on sounds best to me. Would you like to grab lunch? Seems right. I can't truly know you, until I look into your eyes.
Jenny asks---Guys also ask me: what do i need to talk about. I suggest friend request and look at their profile and comment on their posts and children.
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Lucy---The best way to make a good impression on someone is to ask questions about them. Listen carefully to their answers, comment on what they are saying and ask some more. In this way, you learn about your date and you do not seem self-centered.
Kenneth--- I'm not ready to be connected on Facebook if we "might" date. Although I have in the past. Mixed results.
Kathy---I also get the age factor. I always say it can be good or it can be bad.
Lucy---I guess I am not sure exactly what you mean by the age factor. As you get older, the age gap closes. There is a world of difference between a 18 and a 28 year old. There is not so much difference between a 48 and a 58 year old. As a woman, dating a man around my age is my preference, mostly because we have more in common than I would have with one a lot younger or older than me.
Kenneth--- I have dated in a very wide range of age. Too young is just playing in my opinion. If you are 45, and dating someone 25. Enjoy whatever part of that you want. You aren't going to marry them. If you pretend it's serious. Prepare to be the brunt of many jokes. That is only for those that care what others think.
Barb asks---Children factor: most of us have teens and some with grand children. Remember they are family and parents don’t want to take away from them. Time
Lucy---I did not divorce until my children were out of the house so this is one I have to answer with my gut. Children need to know that they are safe and that they are loved and wanted. I think dating with children at home needs to be done strategically and in moderation. Kids need to know that mom or dad is there for them first and foremost, which might mean serious dating needs to wait a bit, or take place on the weekends they are with the other parent. I have grown children and grandchildren and my children love me to date. They want me to be happy and to have a romance so they stand cheering on the sidelines! I always put my family first, however, if I have a serious relationship, I include him in the family fun.
Kenneth--- I personally blend we with family. So, this would be a real plus for me. The more the merrier.
Debbie asks---I have had questions. A very dear friend of mine in her 40's had breast cancer. How will a man react with some type of deformity? i told her get to know him and before she decided to be with him tell him how she feels and explain about her operation. (they were together for years)
Lucy---I may be strange, but I look at a hidden physical deformity the same way I look at a “skeleton in the closet”. If there is anything a potential partner needs to know about me, I am sure to get that covered as soon as I think there is a possibility of a relationship between us. If this is just a first or second date and there is no indication that it will ever be more, Iwould not go through the story. I also think that if she is comfortable with her body, he will be to.
Kenneth--- I experienced this. I went out with a girl that was older than me. She had lost both breasts. She "warned" me beforehand. I'm looking for forever. If I love someone, I see perfect. I simply don't care. If I love her, I would spend the rest of my life convincing her she is the most beautiful girl on earth.
Shirley asks---where do i find someone, besides bars and the internet?
Lucy---Shirley, this is a problem for all of us. Society has turned more and more inward. We have entertainment through our ipadsand tv’s and we can be alone but surrounded by virtual “friends” and activities. The days of the Sunday afternoon church social being the one event the community looked forward to, are gone.It is harder and harder to find “real” people! That being said here are a few things you might want to try.You can join a meet-up group and meet people with similar interests. You can participate in adult education classes, community projects, church activities, singles groups. I have never tried a match maker but that might be a worthwhile option. If you find a great place…let me know!
Kenneth--- Wow. There are many places. I'm about through with online. And it's been decades since I was in a real bar/club. Restaurants are good. Social events too. I go to events and talk to everyone. It's amazing what a smile and a hello will do.
Marc gets asked---Why are you single?
Lucy---Marc, are you asking how to answer that question? I would guess honesty is the best policy. When people ask me that, I just say, I have not found “the one” yet. Easy enough.
Kenneth--- I have been hit with that several times. It's flattering. Until you really evaluate it. "You're good looking, why are you single?" Meat market material. i'm single because I thought I found forever, it didn't work out, and I'm healing. It's that simple.
Ashley asks---Why do online dating sites seem more like cheesy human smorgasbords?
Lucy---Because…that is what they are. I am sure they can work but like anything else, you have to open a lot of oysters before you find a pearl. I think you have to be very careful with how you write your profile in order to attract men you will get along with. You also need to be willing to go out with several people knowingthat there will be plenty of no’s before you may get a yes. Grow thick skin and exercise a ton of patience…maybe you will find that gourmet dish on the serving line!
Kenneth--- In my opinion they are better suited for people looking for sex, not a real, lasting relationship. Again. My opinion only. I have however met some amazing women online. I met my rebound relationship there. It came close.
Brenda asks---when you go through all the psych tests and questions on internet dating sites, why do you still find psychos when you finally meet them in person? shouldn't all the tests and questions and interaction have singled them out as bat-s**t crazy???
Lucy---Ha! We have all been there! Anyone can say anything on a test and on an online chat. It is easy to be whoever you want to be when you are not looking someone in the eyes. Spend more time trying to get to know them through email, text and phone conversations. If there are red flags at the first meeting, pay attention and get out while the getting is good. There are some really nice guys out there too!
Kenneth--- Haha! Been there, asked the same question a few times. The only answer is, the tests are designed to have truthful answers. Most people are just selling themselves.
Victoria asks---I'm dating someone I met online. He is still chatting and texting with other women on the same site where we met. Is he cheating? Doesn't this mean he is still chatting up and interested in meeting another?
Lucy---I have been there!!!! This is the one thing I really hate about internet dating. In my opinion, at the time that the two of you decide to be exclusive, you should both get rid of the online dating sites. I think that if someone is still writing to women as though he is single….then he is.
Kenneth--- If you have no commitment. He can't be cheating. If he's doing it in front of you, he's a Moran, and disrespecting you. If he does it in private, away from you. I do not see an issue. The fact that you are dating doesn't mean you are monogamous or committed. Your issue, not his. Might sound cold. But I have had girls "take ownership" of me after we met once. It's weird.
Brandy asked---Why do men over 40 always want to date women in their 20's or barbie dolls? We are real women we shouldn't be ignored.
Lucy---I think we need to be careful to not lump everyone into the same basket. There are lots of men that want younger women, also lots of men who want perfect bodies. Funny enough, rarely do these men have perfect bodies, incomes, personalities etc. but for some reason, think you should. Do you really want to date someone with this attitude? Keep looking. There are men out there that look at the inside and think you are beautiful even if you are not Barbie.
Kenneth--- I won't say I didn't try it. I did. I met a 23 year old online. She was in Mensa. She found me. We shared emails, then spoke on the phone a lot. I loved talking to her. So smart. She asked me to have dinner. I told her it would not be a date. She was too young and of another race. Wine and getting too comfy, we made mistakes. I received 40 to 50 emails or texts a day from her afterwards. This went on for months. She said we were "soulmates". Not going to happen. I prefer girls close to my age. Not that I think there is anything wrong with dating anyone you like. It's up to the individual. I assure you. There are plenty of guys like me.
Mary asks---Why do men over 40 treat you great for you to fall and yet they wont catch you or have any intentions of ever catching you or returning the feeling? They keep their options open in case someone else comes along.
Lucy---Mary, I have met men like that too. I have actually dated men for extended periods of time that turned out to be lying to me about taking down dating profiles etc. I think the answer is to stay guarded and keep your expectations down while you are getting to know each other. Keep communications open and do not be afraid to tell him that if this develops into something serious, your expectation is that he narrow his focus to you. You need to expect more, not less from a potential mate, when it comes to guarding your heart. I think some of these men are still adjusting to single life and are just having fun. You need to look for someone who is ready to settle down with a quality woman.
Kenneth---First. Girls do it too. Some, at least. I believe most people begin a relationship with good intentions. Some do not. Men are hunters and gatherers by nature. Perhaps they are simply hunting and gathering. I can't wait to come home to the same girl every night. I have gone out with a lot of girls that just became friends. It is an insidious mind that would try to make someone fall with the intent of leaving. I am sorry if that happened.
I want to thank our readers for sending in their questions. It takes guts to throw it out there. Thank you so much. We would love your feedback.
Lucy Connor & Kenneth Stepp are currently coauthoring a book, "Love Times Two". No release date is set. August is the tentative month.
