It's All in the Thumb

 ~  In the Land of the Blind, the Hitchhiker with One Eye had Better Not be in Idaho.  ~

                 Hitchhiking has gotten a bad rap lately.  People now seem to assume that rape and violent death are just a natural part of the ride-hopping equation.  It’s usually axe murder.  I don’t know why it’s an axe.  Other more commonly used tools, like a table saw or a giant ribbon-cutting pair of scissors, are just as scary. 

                Just like any other form of travel, there are hitching rules.  If you know them it’s a less-scary way to move from point A to point B. 

RULE #1---Use the thumb.  If you were in a horrific blimp accident when you were two and now your thumb is permanently stuck in the up position, like you’re telling the world “Right on,” and you happen to be walking on the side of the highway, drivers are going to assume that you’re hitchhiking.  The stuck-out thumb is THE symbol for asking for a ride in a stranger’s car.  If you’re walking on the shoulder of the highway and you stick out your forefinger, no one is going to stop.  They’re just going to assume that you think that you’re number 1.  If you’re walking on the shoulder of the highway and you stick out your middle finger, motorists may stop, but they probably won’t pick you up.  If you stick out your pinky, drivers may think that you just wandered away from a chi-chi cocktail party and lost your martini glass somewhere on the on-ramp, but, again, you’re not getting picked up.  It’s only the thumb that lands you a ride. 

RULE #2---Know the Fine Art of Small Talk.  Having the ability to talk about the weather or current events is useful.  It may be conversational masturbation, but it can help postpone whatever the guy with the mutton-chops in the Gremlin who just picked you up has in mind for you.  Small talk is an especially useful skill in all forms of travel.  You’re probably not going to have much in common with the guy sitting next to you on the train or the bus, so occasionally watching entertainment television can help pass the time in this, or any, travel scenario.

RULE #3---Trust but Verify.  Hitchhiking is all about trust.  The driver trusts that the hitchhiker doesn’t carry hand grenades.  The hitchhiker trusts that the driver doesn’t make his passengers juggle hand grenades for his amusement.  There’s a certain level of trust built into the hitchhiking experience.  But there’s a variable amount of definite distrust built into it as well.  All you really know about this other guy is that he’s traveling in the same direction you are.  This is where small talk comes in handy.  Nothing staves off grisly highway axe murders like celebrity wedding gossip. 

RULE #4---Know your Geography.  I’ve lived “Out West” where hitchhiking is much more common than it is on the east coast.  It’s an accepted form of travel west of the Mississippi River.  Nearer to the thirteen colonies, it’s a rare and suspect phenomenon, an anachronistic idea, a nod to a simpler time, a time before everybody was afraid of everything.  Also, some drivers expect sexual favors in exchange for a ride, but there’s no small, brown, educational roadside sign to tell you if you’ve just entered that zone.  Maybe there should be. 

RULE #5---There are Good Samaritans out there, just not Enough.  Decent people exist.  There are good people who own cars with passenger seats that don’t have James Bond ejection buttons.  There are also lonely people, opportunistic people and escaped mental patients.  But the news has the numbers wrong.  There are more decent people than escaped mental patients. 

                Hitchhiking is not a lost art.  If we lived in a kinder world, it would be the norm.  It’s carpooling without the private school.  It’s risk-taking without the hang glider.  It’s a viable travel choice.  I’d just avoid areas where there are a lot of lumberjacks.  You know those guys have axes.