Preparing for the Future: Communicate More Effectively

The blog is written by Bill Clarke, a semi-retired management consultant who authored a book entitled Retirement Renaissance. In doing research while writing the book, Bill identified a series of things that everyone needs to think about in preparing for the future. Each blog will feature an idea you can think about and possibly add to your list of things you want to do to ensure a better present and future lifestyle.  

Preparing for the Future: Communicate More Effectively 

Definition: com·mu·ni·ca·tion--[kuh-myoo-ni-key-shuhn]–noun: the imparting or interchange, with mutual understanding, of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

We are engaged in communication every day. One would think that we should be pretty good at it by now. However, much of our communication is probably not very effective because we’re simply talking or our listener is not really listening. We may be pretty good a “imparting information” but many of us may come up short when it comes to having a “mutual understanding” of our communications.

George Bernard Shaw put it this way, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

How many times have you found yourself talking just to be talking? How many times have you been more interested in responding than listening? How many times have you been upset when someone interrupts you or misinterprets what you are trying to say?   

The mere act of talking does not imply that you are communicating. Consider this analogy. True communication is like tossing a ball to a friend on the other side of a high wall. You lob the ball over the wall but you don’t know if your friend got it. That is not yet communication. Your friend lobs the ball back over the wall but your friend doesn’t know if you got it. That too is not yet communication. It is not until you lob the ball back over the wall that you both know you caught each other’s ball, or message. That is communication.

How many times have you lobbed a message over the wall and assumed that the other party received it and understood what you were saying? True communication does not occur until you send a message and the listener responds and you acknowledge the response.

Let me give an example of a routine conversation in which one person thinks they are communicating, but they really aren’t. We have these kinds of conversations all the time.

You get home a little late on a Friday evening. Your spouse/partner is in the bedroom. You walk in and say, “Hi! Sorry I’m late, got involved at the office. Would you like to go out to dinner?” Your partner responds, “Sure!” You then ask, “When can you be ready?” He/she responds, “I haven’t taken my shower yet.” Response, “Okay, but when will you be ready?”

Your partner may have thought that he/she was communicating because he/she knows that it will take 45 minutes to shower and get ready, but you are left wondering. This type of communication occurs at work all the time. Question: “When will the report be ready?” Answer: “I haven’t gotten all the data from the team.” Next question: “Okay, but when will the report be ready?”

There is an important truth contained in this blog; namely, people who understand how to communicate are more effective in their relationships at home, in the office and in social situations. Key point: you can teach yourself to become a more effective communicator and position yourself for improved relationships in your career and personal life. All you have to do is follow the advice of people who know how to communicate effectively. One source for learning is an article from USA Today by Carole Kanchier, author of Dare to Change Your Job — And Your Life. I expanded and embellished some of the points based on my own experience.        

~Learn How to listen—the first step in becoming an effective communicator is to become an effective listener. As Epictetus, a Greek sage and philosopher said many centuries ago, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Listening is a skill that must be developed and practiced. We are prone to want to speak, not listen. Try this experiment: in your first conversation of the day, make every attempt NOT to answer until the speaker is finished. Listen intently and concentrate on every word they say. Don’t think about how you will respond. Just listen. Practice the following:                                                                                            

--Focus. Watch the lips and concentrate on every word.

--Clarify. Ask questions when unsure.

--Repeat. Minimize misunderstanding by summarizing what you hear. 

--Reflect feelings. Let people know that you hear and understand their thoughts.

--Respond. Listen, think and then respond.                                                                               

~Listen to what is NOT being said—observe the body language and the feelings of the speaker to better understand the nuances of what the speaker really means. Peter Drucker, author and management guru, stated it well, “The most important thing in communication is to hear what is not being said.”                                                                                                                             

~Respect what others are saying—treat others as you wish to be treated, and value their point of view, even if you disagree. Everyone has a right to speak and be heard.                                                 

~Emulate the techniques of effective speakers—speak forcefully in a level, modulated voice. Pronounce words clearly. Be positive.  Maintain eye contact.  Radiate energy, enthusiasm, friendliness, competence and confidence. Avoid smirks, lip biting, rolling your eyes, fidgeting or nervous ticks. Stand tall, shoulders back or sit erect.  Eliminate the “hems” and “ha’s” and “ah’s”.  Slow down. Develop a comfortable pace.

~Develop a positive, friendly style—people always feel more comfortable with a person who is friendly, positive and outgoing. Practice these guidelines:                                                         

--Smile. Let your face know you are happy to be there.  

--Recognize and respect differences of opinion.                                                 

--Show your appreciation.                                                                    

--Critique the comment, not the person.   

--Find something that you can agree with.                                                                                

~Use emotion and anger when appropriate—there is nothing wrong with well-directed emotion or anger. These traits are used by great communicators to emphasize and drive home a point of view. It only becomes a problem when someone is always emotional or angry. It is better to have a more even tempered style and rely on anger or emotion when it is appropriate. As Kenny Rogers stated so persuasively in his song The Gambler, “You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. When to walk away and when to run.”  Learn when you need to be forceful and dynamic and when to be quiet and reserved.  Don't try to communicate when you're angry or upset. Take time to rehearse before confronting a potentially difficult conversation. 

~Seek outside help to become a more effective communicator—lastly, and perhaps most important, if you need to improve your communications skills, whether oral or written, you should consider seeking professional help. There are numerous programs available in the corporate world, academia or online that help people learn how to speak and write more effectively. The library is full of books on effective communication.

As a long time Adjunct Professor in undergraduate education, I can assure you that effective communication is a quality that separates the true achievers from the rest of the class. Not only do effective communicators do well in school, they also tend to excel in their careers and interpersonal relationships.

Effective communication is the key to success in all phases of your life.

The next blog will focus on the importance of contingency planning.