Facing Fear of Conflict

What do you and your family have in common with a pride of lions; a waddle of penguins; and a cacophony of U.S. Congresspersons? Conflict! Every living creature encounters daily perceived and real threats to the wellbeing of itself or its family or work group.

Conflict, though messy, is brimming with excellent possibilities — the chance to solve problems, to grow, and to become closer to our family members. We  humans often fear conflict, however. We demonstrate that fear when, in the face of disagreements, we

–freeze up and shut down.

–get loud, angry, and aggressive.

–ignore conflicts which we are integral to solving.

Fear of conflict may be rooted in uncertainly about the unknown. We may also perceive that we have “control” of a situation and wish to maintain that perception. Fear of conflict may come from childhood experiences, as well. Being raised in families that expected us to keep secrets, such as child abuse or addiction, has trained some of us to squelch feelings during conflict. If we were raised in homes where the adult who yelled the loudest and was scariest won all the arguments, we may bring that learned behavior into adulthood. We may also have learned during childhood that conflict brings pain or loss of security, so as adults, we do everything we can to deny that it exists.

The good news is that as adults, if we can name and work through the sources of our fear of conflict, that fear can be reduced. We can learn to manage our fear by being mindful of it, and knowing its source. For some of us, fear of conflict may even disappear once we embrace the idea that we are no longer vulnerable in childlike ways. We can also learn healthy ways of working through conflict with spouses, children, and in the workplace. More on that next week!

Lea McLees, MS, NCC, LAPC, is an associate staff counselor at Care and Counseling Center of Georgia. She specializes in working with families, especially in couples, parenting, children’s, and caregiving relationships.