Why should I be the one to forgive?

Forgiving someone, especially when the thing done was unthinkable, is not an easy thing to do. The pain, anger, sadness and possible helplessness one feels as the result of domestic abuse or random acts of violence are tough things to bear. But, research shows that ultimately, forgiveness is the healthiest thing you can do.

Still, how can one do that?

In my experience the path to forgiveness wasn’t about excusing harmful behavior but was more about learning to let go. My first husband suffered from alcoholism to the point where we could no longer stay together. He was frequently unemployed and there was much verbal abuse and neglect for most of the 20-year marriage. It was very stressful trying to keep our family together. Nothing I did ever worked permanently and most of the time I felt like such a failure.

During this difficult period I was searching diligently for answers and began a daily study of some books that brought and still bring me great comfort and help, The Bible and the works of spiritual healer, Mary Baker Eddy.

I found one model of forgiveness in The Bible to be Jesus. What he taught about this topic caught me a bit off guard at first because of the depth of compassion he required of the forgiver. And I wondered, at times, if I would ever get to the point where I could do what he said. I really wanted to. When asked by one of his disciples how many times one should forgive one’s enemies, he said, “seventy times seven.” That’s 490 times and a lot of forgiveness! That seemed like a pretty tall order in my situation. Jesus also taught that we should love our enemies and I wondered why until I read this by Eddy in her Miscellaneous Writings, “Love your enemies or you will not lose them; and if you love them, you will help to reform them.”

There is a saying that goes, “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” This pretty much sums up how I felt. Change didn’t happen overnight but eventually, I did get to the place where I was finally willing to let go of all of the resentment and hurt and quit blaming him for all of my troubles. And deep down in my heart of hearts, I wanted his pain and suffering to stop. I really wanted him to be happy and didn’t care if he found that happiness with me or not, which was a tough truth to admit.

The final revelation came when I realized I never had the power to control what he did. I only had the power to control my own thoughts and actions and understood that feeling like a victim was never OK.

Throughout this whole experience it felt as though I were being led by some very gentle and loving Presence to the point where I was able to finally let go once and for all. After doing this a huge wave of relief swept over me and I started to feel so much healthier and freer.

Within a very short time of coming to this important revelation, the marriage ended as amicably as it could under the circumstances. And within the span of a few months my ex quit drinking through the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and has remained sober for 16 years.

Studies do show that learning how to forgive improves our emotional and physical well-being. Test subjects who utilized the forgiveness techniques they had learned from Dr. Fred Luskins’ Forgiveness Project showed improved cardiovascular health and less stress than those who continued to ruminate over their anger and grievances.

I didn’t go through Dr. Luskins program but instinctively knew holding onto the feelings I had weren’t healthy nor were they going to improve my life nor the lives of those in my family including my husband.

The full fruitage of this experience came this past year when he asked to meet with me so he could fully apologize for everything. We had seen each other over the years at different family functions but it wasn’t until this meeting that I realized we both had been freed through the power of forgiveness many years ago.

So, can you be the one to forgive and if so, should you? It takes a bit of courage and love to walk this walk but it is a healthy path that can free you. And it might also free the one who needs your forgiveness.