Plan Ahead for a Successful Partnership or Marriage

Once upon a time in our society, marriage was the only socially acceptable means for two people (specifically a man and a woman) in a relationship to cohabitate. Prior to exchanging their vows, the couple would oftentimes seek the counsel of their priest, pastor or rabbi, who would guide them through religious teachings that are used to define and strengthen the marriage union. This process came to be called pre-marital counseling.

Nowadays, social perception has changed — for some people, the definition of marriage, the sex of the relationship’s members, the number of people that comprise the relationship, and the required precursors to cohabitation are no longer rigidly delineated. While members of religious faiths may continue to seek counsel before saying “I do,” most couples move forward in their relationship without consulting a guide to help them transition into this new phase of their relationship.

So how is the modern relationship, with all of its changes, faring? Take a look at these statistics gleaned from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control:

• At least 50% of all marriages end in divorce;
• 65% of couples intending to marry live together before exchanging marriage vows;
• Research suggests that those who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce;
• Research on cohabitation suggests that only 21% of unmarried couples who live together continue to live together after 5 to 7 years.

Regardless of how you define your relationship, perhaps it’s time to re-define and re-consider the merits of pre-partnership counseling. Here are some things to consider before signing a lease or a mortgage with your partner(s):

• Why this, why now? Taking this step in a relationship can mean different things to different people. Understanding your motivation and timing can help you gain clarity and provide a strong foundation for moving forward. Share your answers to these questions with your partner(s) and discuss any differences between your answers;
• Why this person? What is it about this person (or people for polyamorous folks) that distinguishes him/her/them from others? Be specific rather than general—again, this helps create clarity and intentionality;
• Shared values? Shared values are the glue that holds relationships together. Many relationships end when one partner realizes that the other’s core beliefs significantly differ from the other’s. For example, one partner may want to raise their children according to a certain faith or in a particular parenting style, while the other adamantly opposes this path. Examining values and comparing them in open, honest conversations could be an opportunity to prevent irrevocable glitches in the future; and,
• A common vision? Do you share a common vision of what your partnership will be like? Do you agree on things like work schedule (including required traveling), weekend activities, parenting responsibilities, etc.? Vocalizing expectations can go a long way to preventing disappointment and relationship wounds down the line.

I always encourage clients who are making a change in their lives to set themselves up for success. Having conversations like these with your partner(s) prior to saying your version of “I do” may help you set the stage for a successful, rewarding, and lasting relationship.

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Brandy Smith is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Avanti Counseling Services, Inc. in the Oakhurst District of Decatur. For additional information about this post or about services available, please visit www.AvantiCounselingServices.com.