Waiting.... & Not Good At It

By: Kenneth Stepp

Patience is not something I was blessed with as a trait. I admit that I have learned a measure of it. But, all in all. It has escaped me so far. Two weeks prior to this day I was sitting at a hospital being told I have a brain tumor. I wouldn’t allow them to admit me that day. Mainly because I wanted time to process everything. Today I am back to talk about my bill (I received a confusing message about it), and to be admitted and finish the exploratory world of looking inside my brain. Right now I am seated in a waiting room. I really hate this part.

There are times that make us take a look back. Maybe that is why I hate waiting. Nothing to do but think. Mostly, backwards. Evaluating how I have lived my life. I have lived an interesting life, I feel accomplished. But, as most would, I feel I could have done things much better. Better for many people, not just me. The list was so long that I began writing it into a document. Then I realized what I was doing and stopped. I cannot go back and change a thing. I caught myself living in an unchangeable past. I stopped immediately. Deleted that document too.

I suppose that today or tomorrow I will find out if I can offer someone any length of time. If so, what quality. It’s hard to think in these terms. Being hyper-logical, I am compelled to think like this. The largest goal I have is to find my “Forever”. Does that goal change now? I suppose I will know soon enough. I have to admit, having my soul mate here would have been nice. I specifically asked that I be alone because the decisions I make about treatment must be my own. If I had surrendered my life to blend with another’s, it would be our decision, not mine alone. Our bond would dictate that.

“A bond between souls is ancient - older than the planet.” ― Dianna Hardy

Love is an interesting phenomenon. To share the deepest part of ourselves so deeply with another. It really is inhuman. Meaning that it is a spiritual thing. Not something natural at all. Real love is given freely and cannot be earned. I’ve had a week that makes me think hard about these things. Really, two weeks. Even faced with my mortality. Love is still the most important thing in my life. This week was a week of confirmation of sort. Not at all what I thought it would be. And, still nothing I can do about it.

“To be deeply loved, means a willingness to cut yourself wide open, exposing your vulnerabilities... hopes, hurts, fears and flaws. Hiding behind the highlight reel of who you are, is the real you and that person is just as worthy of love. There is nothing more terrifying or fulfilling, than complete love, it's worth the risk... reach for it.” ― Jaeda DeWalt

Worth the risk? Not so far. But maintaining is really all I can do. After attempting everything else. Continuing my journey is really all I have. Today and tomorrow should be days that reveal what I have to offer in the way of time and quality. The measure with which I love will not change. Totally, forever, and unconditionally are all I have. Think about what you want most in life. Whether it is a person or a thing will tell you a lot about what you have been chasing in life. Love people, use things….. Don’t get that backwards.

www.stepplife.com

Founder, American Angel Works