In Marriage: There Is No Ice Cream

I am approximately seven months into my very first marriage. 

Going into it my understanding was: You date for as long as you can get away with. Then when you lose your head and apply the necessary diamond, a switch flips, and voila! - she suddenly embodies all the things you love about your Mom. 

The dust-bunny-laden domestic worm you were dating suddenly transforms into a waffle-crafting, pork-barbecue-making, breakfast-cooking, kitchen-managing, always-well-coiffed, butterfly. She begins taking care of you and she never mentions anything bad about red meats, your gut, eating habits, or dirty clothes. 

I was under the impression that was the deal.

Shortly after we were married, as a sort of "trial run," I asked Tyler if she would "please fix me some ice cream?"

Mom would have fixed me some ice cream, so I figured that was a fair request.

Tyler smiled sweetly.

I thought, “Boyyy, we are in business now!” 

She got up, went in the kitchen, fixed a bowl of ice cream, came back in the room, sat down, and without so much as a mention of the location of my ice-cream, she proceeded to eat the entire bowl of ice cream herself; right there in front of God and everybody.

I was dumbfounded. Speechless.

When she was finished she looked up, grinned, and said, “See how easy that was?”

After that brief, horrifying, lesson in "What I am to do when I need something," I went in the kitchen to fix myself some ice cream.....and it was all gone.

I heard a chuckle in the room behind me, but I didn't turn around. Instead, I pretended to have gone in there to fix myself some water. Mmm. Just what I was craving. Delicious water!

My question to all you experienced married people is this: Where is MY ice cream?

It could be any one of the following:

A. Tyler ate my ice cream. It WAS mine, then it BECAME Tyler's the instant she thought of eating it.

B. My ice cream is in the other fridge with the venison, beer, and hidden fruit-rollups.  No one who loves me would really eat ALL of MY ice cream.

C. Since there is no ice cream for me, there must never have been any ice cream for me to begin with. I was mistaken in assuming there was ice cream, and that it was mine. Tyler already knew of the ice cream situation because she is a step ahead of me at all times. If only I had asked her what the ice cream situation was, I would have known and not made a fool of myself for thinking there may be ice cream. Instead, because I failed to consult Tyler, I have shamed my family.

D. Everything I have is Tyler's until I'm told differently (by Tyler).

E. Every man must relive the consequences of Adam's Fall; in my unique case: I am allowed no ice cream. Possibly forever.

F. One of us ain’t trained right yet.

For the duration of my parents' entire marriage Mom ate literally every tip off every ice cream cone Dad ever ordered. She was convinced it was the "best part."

It drove him nuts, but he had been so thoroughly beaten that he would order and then immediately hand over his ice cream cone.  She’d snap the tip off, chuckling to herself; then she’d hand it back and he could eat the rest of his ice cream in peace. 

I watched that rampant injustice play itself out for 28 years, so I should have been better prepared, but I wasn't and now: There is no ice cream.

Jimmy Ewing has lived in Sandy Springs for 25 years. He also has a blog at www.jimmyewing.blogspot.com.