Blocked: The Art of Failure

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. The windows are open and the breeze feels like freedom. Dave is brewing a pale ale with blue spice basil from the garden. I just finished a cocktail of superfood, almond milk and blueberries. Keiki, our dalmatian, sits in front of me with the cutest of begging faces. Contemplating my attendance at the Elmhurst Public Library’s local author fair, next week Saturday, I decided I should do some promotion. In some ways, I am not looking forward to the event. Now you are saying, “Kat! This is not the way to promote! How are you going to urge people to come see you if you don’t even want to be there?” A good question has been posed to me on the most peaceful of Sunday mornings. I figured I should grab the gusto of this moment before my Monday anxiety hits full force around 3:00 pm.

On October 11, 2019, I will turn 55 and am able to collect a small pension for my 20 years working in public education. While the job has contributed to my unique resume, it has not been my preferred path. A series of unfortunate events had me working as support staff rather than leading my own classroom. I made the most of it and I can honestly say, if my career didn’t go this way, I would not have had the opportunity to help all the families I have worked with in my private practice. Because of my horrendous childhood, I have a way of relating to children and adolescents in ways others cannot reach them. My greatest pride is seeing my students claim success due to my intervention.

I will get back to the promotion soon. My writing style will take you in several directions before giving you the prize of a superb hook followed by a stunning finale. While I grew up with furniture and bullets flying in my childhood home, I cradled my spirit with words and music. In my teen years, my friends named me Kate Fate. My poems, songs and stories always started out positive and then took a dark turn. Currently, I am working on a master’s in English so I have to analyze plenty of literature. The Lottery by Shirley Jackson was the last work I was assigned to sift through. Before reading the actual short story, I checked into Jackson’s life. I believe authors write from a place which is otherwise unreachable. It turns out, Jackson had a fractured relationship with her parents followed by terrible health issues. If you haven’t read her, the stories are dark.

In 2007, I published a memoir about growing up in domestic violence. It’s a terrifying tale of abuse and survival. I wrote it in essay style with plenty of satire. I was inspired by Running With Scissors by Agusten Burroughs. After I read the book, I instantly began work on Bullets: Growing Up in the Crossfire. I learned the hard way to not spend $25,000 publishing and promoting a book only 500 people would read. Still, this began my second failed career as an author.

Failed careers is my business. I wish I would have recorded them all because the subject is enthralling. In an attempt to rise from poverty, I have always worked four of five jobs at a time hoping to finally gain personal success along with the American Dream of financial freedom. It’s okay, I have $20 in my saving’s account in the event of an emergency. I also have four published books, countless blog entries and a box of old poems in the attic. We have mice in the attic so the box is surrounded by droppings but at least I know it’s safe.

So Bullets wasn’t my success story but I did tour some high schools talking to kids about staying in school because I was a 15-year-old high school dropout. If you are following this tangled web of a story, you know I went back to school because I am a licensed teacher working on a master’s degree. My plan was for The Chubby Trilogy to be my master’s degree. From 2013-2015, I wrote three fictional books which were supposed to pay off mine and my children’s student loans.

Carrolyyn Davidson is a successful event planner for Take Me To The Ball Events, located in lush Lincoln Park. She is working on a contestant search “The Fastest Trim Down.” J.J. Mack, who is the creative director and star of the show loves Carrolyyn and her work. Carrolyyn has several social issues including wearing the same four outfits, never looking in the mirror, obsessively packing 20 containers per day to feed her soul which feels dead, and she is socially isolated. Everything changes when Carrolyyn takes a chance on a dating site which matches up large women with small men. A series of events helps Carrolyyn to find herself and eventually achieve the greatest success which is living authentically. While the trilogy is fictional, Chubby Chasers, Chance Chasers and Challenge Chasers contain many autobiographical references. My own container issues, a church pastor who ripped out my faith and threw it at me, living without parents and especially the drive to live authentically.

Like myself, Carrolyyn tried and failed, tried and failed, tried again and failed again. Unlike me, Carrolyyn gained all I dreamt up for her. I was in control of her success or failure. This is something I am not able to control for myself. I have written and rewritten my story several times and I can’t seem to get to the stunning finale. Regardless, I am going to pack up my books, my business cards, random items from my home to autograph and head over to the local author fair. I will talk to you about life, loss, beer, Keiki the dalmatian, my tattoos, my love of the band The Mountain Goats, my incredible adult children and whatever else you may want to talk about. You can grab a copy of my books at discount prices and take a picture with me because you never know when I will have my breakthrough moment and you can say you knew me when I was still blocked.

You can learn more about my books and other random rantings at kathibbard.com. You can also learn about my academic intervention services. Follow me on facebook, twitter and instagram @kathibbard and @kathibbardwritesbooks. I hope to see you next week.