Musings by Moss Conversations with the "Big Guy"

By conversations I mean one way. I usually talk and I hope "The Big Guy" is listening. I'm hoping he has a direct connection to New Lenox. Maybe Comcast has invaded that market too. Do you think God gets a break on his cable bill? Maybe free HBO. Now don't run away because I mentioned God. I'm about as far from "religious" as a person can be. I'm not a fan of organized religion. Religion has caused more wars and bloodshed over the ages than any other issue. Usually, it revolves around blind faith in a mortal leader who has his own aspirations of being “God like”.  I am a believer in the after life. I'm always wondering what it will be like. Is it the traditional Gold lined streets and angels singing beautiful songs written by God himself? Or is it what you have pictured in your mind as the perfect heaven? Maybe it’s all the fantastic rock and roll figures that have passed away playing a one day show just for you and there’s no cover charge. For me, there is an endless supply of chocolate malts with no possibility of weight gain. I am concerned about one thing though. When I was growing up in the Catholic Church we were told if you ate meat on Friday during lent you would be given the quick ticket to hell. Are you telling me that someone down there is doing an eternity in hell because he ate a cheeseburger on Friday? I’m sorry, I don’t buy it. The other thing I wondered about was why God preferred me in my Sunday morning dress up clothes? Jesus walked around wearing a sheet and he got away with it. (I suddenly feel a lightning bolt coming on…)

Here are some more questions I have for “The Big Guy” when I get there…

1. If reincarnation is an option, can I come back as the mirror in the Victoria Secret photo shoot dressing room? (here comes another lightning bolt)
2. Please tell me the 9/11 hijackers were met by 72 of the ugliest virgins in hell and forced to watch reruns of Jerry Springer until their heads exploded.
3. Were did I loose my new baseball mitt when I was in 5^th grade?
4. Did you put it in my mind that the Maroon Tux would look real good at the prom? It’s obvious to me you have a heck of a sense of humor. My kids are still laughing at that picture.
5. Why is it that our noses and ears never stop growing? Didn’t I look goofy enough?
6. Why does the hair on a mans head disappear and then reappear in his ears and on his back?

Mind you, I'm in no rush to get there. I plan on sucking the government dry of all the social security taxes that I have contributed. I look forward to walking incredibly slow through Lowes or even using one of those motorized baskets. I'll pull my pants up to my armpits and wear shorts with black socks and dress shoes, embarrassing my children and grandchildren for years and years.