Musings by Moss Rules

Musings by Moss

 I’ll probably catch some serious flack for this, but I couldn’t resist. I have received this email many times over the past couple of years and it always has given me a good laugh. The Man Rules have been listed below for all women to evaluate and then throw away. In fairness, I also listed the “Women Rules”. If we follow the rules, there will no longer be any domestic squabbles here in New Lenox and we will change the name of the town to Utopiaville. Now mind you, I don’t agree with all the rules, I’m simply here to enlighten you, my children. I’ve been married for 28 years, trust me, I may not always follow all the rules, but I know them like the back of my hand.

The Man Rules

We always hear ' the rules' from the female side.  These are our rules!

Please note... These are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!  

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports...It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. .. Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Rules for Guys, by Women

1. When crying occurs you caused it and should fix it. Perfect time for a gift.
2. Watching Star Trek or any type of non-romance movie/ T.V. show should also be rewarded in a gift.
3. The toilet seat prefers to be down. Gravity; any questions?
4. When we ask if we are fat, we are looking for a "NO I love you just the way you are" answer.
5. We are not always thinking of you.
6. We are not always looking for the perfect gift... some gift is better than no gift, and we realize it is the thought that counts.
7. Shopping is not a sport, it's an adventure.
8. If we had enough clothes or shoes then why are there so many stores?
9. When we ask for something we want it then!! Don't wait for a birthday, etc. you may forget what it is that we want.

10.  Three pairs of shoes is not a selection, it’s a crisis!

11.  We don't believe you when you say you'll be right home.

12.  We remember what you say regardless of how long it’s been. Why can't you?

13.  Saying what you think we want to hear gets you in more trouble! Stop while you are ahead.

14.  Why can't you ask for directions?

15.  How can we be expected to tell you about our day in just 30 seconds when it took all day to happen?

16.  You too can order Pizza.

17.  Why don't you know all of these rules?

So there are the rules as stated above. Did anyone notice that several of the rules from both sides are complete polar opposites? That explains the confused look all men walk around with. For us, it’s like walking through a mine field in clown shoes…at some point, you’re going to hear an explosion, and the results will be in your favor.

You may now talk amongst yourselves, I’ll call the police for you, and men get ready to duck. I feel a disturbance in the force.