The Final Goodbye

This entire year has been filled with visits and phone calls to my ex-husband, Jim, who has (had) brain cancer.  Last December I issued a plea for your prayers for him.  We weren't ready to lose him.  We simply wanted more time, and received those months of leave-taking.  Today, when the call came that he had passed away, there was both a sense of relief and sadness.  Relief that he was at peace and could rest now; sadness that our lives would never be the same without him. 

Most of you know that I had an very unusual divorce and ongoing friendship with my ex-husband.  We were two very different people in many respects.  However, the things that connected us were our love for our sons (his two - our one), our mutual respect for one another and our core values.   If Jim said he was going to do something, his word was all you needed.  He never looked for a way to wiggle out of a commitment or promise.  He never rationalized to make it fit.  Right was right, and wrong was wrong.  

We only had one disagreement in the last twelve years, and that was because I voiced my opinion that he was jeopardizing his health and safety by doing some of the things he was doing.  He strongly disagreed, but I told him that when you care about people it's your obligation to speak up - whether they like it or not.  Eventually, we got over it and moved on as his illness progressed.  I think it's pretty remarkable to have a committed friendship like that and be able to put our disappointments and frustrations aside and move forward with our lives, yet stay closely connected.

Our sons were the grateful benefactors of this remarkable thirty-two year friendship and I'm so glad we were able to be role models for them - even as adult children.  It afforded us many opportunities to enjoy our families at holidays, special events and important occasions.  

As I was putting our picture boards together it was hard not to go down memory lane.   I looked at post-divorce pictures of Jim fixing Bryan's tie for prom night (at our home) and thought what a great gift that was for our son to enjoy the moment as a family.  Or, the picture of Bryan and his Dad at graduation day. One picture that really made me smile was Jim lying on his stomach putting trim under the cabinet that he had just installed in my kitchen during remodeling.  I remember that day vividly and while he was on his knees getting the piece of trim ready, I told him in my usual, off-the-wall style, that I always knew he'd come crawling back to me!   Well, he really thought that was quite funny and just rolled his eyes at me (like he always did).

I have a lot of wonderful memories; things I'm proud of and, yes, some regrets.  Each of us were able to build new lives and take different paths, acknowledging that we would always be connected, but capable of letting go and moving on. Life was easier for every family member because no matter how you look at it, we would always be connected. 

We had time to say goodbye.  We had time to prepare.  We had time to think about so many different things.  There were visits where we cried and some where we laughed hysterically.  In one of my visits, Jim introduced me to his nurse by saying, "This is one of the most patriotic women you'll ever meet."  I was blown away because I didn't know he felt that way.  Every time I visited him at the hospital, the staff was taken aback when I introduced myself as his ex-wife.  I thought it was strange that they thought it was strange!  I regret that he didn't live to receive his copy of my latest book. Being a veteran, he would have been proud.

The most important thing I'm grateful for is the tremendous, loving relationship my son  ("The Bryan" as Jim called him) had with his Dad.  He was never disrespectful to his father, even if he disagreed with him.   Every time he said goodbye to his Dad, until the day Jim died, there was a "Love you Dad" at the end of that goodbye.  I'm so proud of their relationship.  It says something pretty special about the two of them, and Bryan will carry the gift of those countless "I love you's" with him forever. 

So, today I simply ask for your prayers for our family's loss.  We've lost someone who, of course, can never be replaced, but love goes on forever....it knows no time or place.

God bless!