Help! My Baby is Going to College!!!!

By Marianne Tomlinson

Wasn’t it only yesterday when that beautiful baby came home from the hospital? Where did those 18 years go?

Now, your child has grown up and is headed off to college—congratulations!

Of course, you may not be in a celebratory mood. Whether you can hardly wait until your child leaves home, or are in the throes of despair over it, the end result is often the same:  a sense of loss.

Particularly for the parent who has been the primary child caregiver, this transition can be especially difficult after having devoted so much heart, time and energy to a child.

To make matters worse, often a child leaving for college coincides with other major life events such as menopause or retirement. And because an adult child moving out of the home is considered “normal,” parents may receive little compassion for the grief they are experiencing.

Research suggests that after major life changes, it can take upwards of two years to feel right again. Don’t ignore the stress you feel. Stress is known as the “silent killer” and is linked to some of the leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, liver cirrhosis, and suicide. Stress also plays an impact on your blood sugar levels, which in turn affects your mood, metabolism, creativity and intuition.

So during this time of transition, take good care of yourself. Here are seven steps to help you achieve that:

1.    Surround yourself with a good support system.

We need different kinds of support from different people. One person can be supportive if she/he offers a “sympathetic ear;” another is supportive when she/he doesn’t interfere; still another can give advice.  The people in your life CAN make a difference by helping you cultivate opportunities for personal growth. And remember, they too benefit from rich human interaction.

2.    Learn some stress management skills. Do you spend time worrying about your child? Most parents do. However, when it becomes extreme, and you struggle to adapt in this new reality, identify some constructive outlets. Working out, taking a moment to breathe and meditating are all healthy ways to manage stress. Explore and experiment to find what works for you.

3.    Regain your sense of identity. So many times when we have kids, we lose who we are as a person. For years, we have been identified as our child’s mom or dad. It’s time to focus on your interests—enroll in a class, develop a new hobby or bring back an old one. Now is the time for you to grow, too!

4.    Reconnect. If you have other children at home, you will have more time to devote to them and to your partner. Do fun things together to make this transition less difficult for everyone in the household.

5.    Make yourself available. When you are bored and feel left out, go where the action is. Instead of withdrawing and feeling sorry for yourself, get involved. Volunteer or join an organization. Here’s a bonus: this helps make friends!

6.    Avoid self-medication. Although there are many chemicals, including alcohol, that can mask symptoms of stress, they do not help you adjust to the stress itself. Many can be habit-forming, so using them without consulting your doctor can be dangerous. Effectively handling the stress of change comes from within, not from the outside.

7.    Talk through your worries. It is OK and normal to feel sad and a bit anxious. If you are really struggling, share worries and concerns with someone you trust and respect: a friend, a family member, a spiritual counselor or a therapist. If you find yourself becoming preoccupied with this issue, it might be wise to talk to a therapist. This is not admitting defeat, but reveals you as an intelligent, thoughtful human who knows when to ask for assistance.

As a parent of three adult children, I urge you to look at this phase of life as an opportunity to spread your wings and soar to new heights. And, although your job description is about to change, remember that you will always be mom or dad to this suddenly 18-year-old baby.

Marianne Tomlinson, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, received her M.S. Ed. in Community Counseling from Northern Illinois University in 2004. She and two of her children were enrolled at NIU at the same time.

She is a therapist at NOVO: Renewing Joy in Life, a St. Charles clinic online at www.novocounsel.com.