The teenage years can seem such an exuberant age – full of eager happiness to be involved, hang with friends and wanting to achieve. It can be difficult to see behind the flurry of activity to the stress that all teens have. Too much stress left untended can turn to worry, anxiety and finally depression.
1. School – Teens are worried about how they are performing, comparing themselves with others and pleasing the adults around them.
Find out what's happening in Wheatonfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Recently a young teenager asked me about being held back in Middle School. He was preparing himself mentally for repeating 8th grade and losing graduation privileges. All this was because two weeks into his third quarter he had missing assignments and was in a hole. Grades and performance often feel like an all or nothing prospect to teens, a very concrete and black and white measure of their worth.
According to findings from a recent American Psychological Association poll teens report a 5.8 average on a 10 point scale for stress during the school year. Almost a third of the teens in the survey reported feeling overwhelmed and depressed or sad. While stress is motivating, too much in the delicate balance can overload. This survey also showed that teens underestimated the effect that stress has on them. Many teens blithely chug along until one day they crumble into an “I can’t do any of this” melt.
Find out what's happening in Wheatonfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
2. The future – Teens do not have a clear roadmap to adulthood. How do they find a way to financial security and solid social relationships? While the goal is clear, the path is not. In one study the primary concern of older teens was financial and middle income teens were more stressed than higher or lower income teens about this. Perhaps for teens in the middle income bracket the expectations are high, the competition is fierce and the way uncertain.
The kicker with stress about the future is that it’s always lurking behind door number one, worry about school. “If I don’t do well on this test I won’t get a good grade, I won’t get into college, and I will work in fast food all my life,” is a tearful admission I have heard from more than one teen.
3. Relationships – The most important one last: teenagers are stressed about relationships. Conflict with family, breakups, worry about friends and bullying are all stressful. Add to that the intense focus that teens have on relationships and the impact grows.
Teens seem to feel social relationships so keenly. The social bonding that is occurring is preparing them for independence from their family and the focus on relationships can be consuming. “Did she mean she likes my shoes or was she making fun of them? Do I know anyone in my next class? Is my mom stressed again? Is my sister OK? Is my boyfriend texting me back?” The intensity is there while the coping skills and perspective are not.
Developmentally teens are also experiencing new aspects in relationships - such as sexual pressures and substance use. They may have friends who are sharing with them struggles of mental illness or intense family situations. Often teens will help friends to the point of getting in way over their heads.
It’s a simple list to help us remember that our teens feel stress, sometimes about problems that are easy for us to minimize because we made it through them.
How to manage stress?
1. Talk with your teen. Ask her what is stressing her and you may get an earful of surprises. Listening and talking are great stress relievers both because it can help solve problems but also because empathic responses help soothe distress.
2. Talk to your teen. Ask him what is stressing her and you may get silence. Then you start talking and making observations. Let him know you’ve noticed how much homework he has, how irritable he has been, how tired he seems. Wonder out loud if something should be adjusted, a teacher chatted with, a friend invited over. Talking out loud, even if a teen is not engaged in the conversation may help him hear problem definitions and solutions that he may choose later.
3. Provide resources. You may remind your teen there are other adults to talk with, such as church, school, family members. Perhaps your teen is a reader and would like a book on teen stress. One teen I worked with gave up creating art during a stressful time. With some encouragement to the teen, her parents enrolled her in an art class. Your teen may not respond with a “Thanks so much!”, but you will know that now she has a little more information, healthy activities and support.
4. Model and encourage stress management activities. Here are the essentials:
a. Get good sleep
b. Eat healthy (reduce dependence on caffeine and processed foods)
c. Exercise (preferably outside or in a game like structure)
d. Talk to someone – get perspective and support
e. Engage in creative activities (art, journalling, cooking)
f. Check your thoughts – replace negative ones with positive ones (think about having a good friend in your head)
g. Relax your body – deep breaths, progressive relaxation, meditation, yoga
h. Adjust demands – know when to say “No.”
i. Know when to get help. A therapist can help when stress overloads.
Signs of Stress Overload
Stress motivates and energizes but too much can also overwhelm and wipe out our functioning. Some teenagers are more vulnerable to the impact of stress due to history, supports and predispositions. What are the signs that the system is on overload – perhaps even tipping to a depression or anxiety problem?
1. Behavior. Disruption and changes in eating, sleeping, relationships or activity level. Teens vary a lot, but you know your child. Think about his/her normal parameters and measure from there. A pattern of early morning waking, loss of appetite, agitated activity level or loss of pleasure are signs to take seriously.
2. Emotions. Moodiness – again a tough one to measure in teens. But don’t let that be a reason to minimize real feelings. Teens with demonstrations of anger, sadness, irritability and anxiety are likely struggling with more that they are hiding from you.
3. Thinking. Stress disrupts our thinking, narrowing our ability to problem solve and have hope, reducing concentration and memorization abilities. Hopeless and rigid thinking is cause for concern. Watch for the “never, always, should, must” line of thinking. Be alert to reduced concentration and slipping grades.
4. Physical. Stress takes a toll on bodies, even young healthy ones. Stomach and headaches, increased colds indicating an immune system run down, aches and pains may be signs of stress, anxiety or depression.
5. Substance use. Substance use may be about blunting or escaping overwhelming feelings. Making that connection early may help avert more significant problems with the substance later on.
Managing stress early on is the best intervention. If negative reactions to stress become entrenched or anxiety or depression begin, it may be time to consult with a professional. A child and family therapist can help teens identify and manage difficult stress or assess and treat anxiety or depression.
1. http://www.apapracticecentral.org/update/2014/02-13/teen-stress.aspx
2. http://www.pamf.org/teen/life/stress/whatstress.html
3. http://www.teenhelp.com/teen-stress/teen-stress-causes.html
4. http://www.nbcnews.com/id/20322801#.UwphHvldXng
5. http://www.extension.umn.edu/youth/research/adolescent-stress-and-depression/
Melinda Alston, LCSW is a clinical social worker with 25 years’ experience. She has a private office in Wheaton where she offers individual and family therapy as well as mindfulness skills groups. She also works with students with emotional disabilities in the schools.
Melinda Alston, LCSW
200 East Willow
Wheaton, IL 60187
630-205-8294
