Cory Needs Coffee-A Working Mom's Blog: The Perfect Life

I recently went to dinner with a great group of women.  We hadn’t been together for a while and spent some time catching up on the many changes in our lives.  Lots of good news, but some of our families have struggled with difficult situations recently.  As we talked about a pending divorce, one comment startled me.  “My husband had a really hard time with this news.  He said they seemed so happy; he just couldn’t believe it.  I finally had to look at him and ask what he based that on…. Seeing them for a few hours a couple of times a year?????”

I think all of us make some pretty big assumptions- just how big has become apparent to me recently.  I think there is a tendency to look at our lives and assume that everyone else has it together.  We struggle with our relationships, kids, or finances, but assume we are the only ones.  I’m becoming more convinced though that often beneath the pretty surface are some really big cracks that people are desperately trying to hide in public.

It’s amazing to me how often recently people come to me to quote their insurance but confide they have no idea what to do about the homeowners insurance- the house is in foreclosure.  Or I find myself in a conversation with someone who is trying to determine if the relationship is beyond repair.  Or someone asks about the process to adopt because they have been struggling with infertility for years and desperately want a child.

And after so many of these conversations, I can’t help but shake my head as I realize just how wrong some of my assumptions were of these people with “perfect” lives.  There is a heck of a lot of pain just below the surface that I never imagined was there.

As a result I’m being much more deliberate in my interactions with people.  I’m trying to remember that under the perfect exterior may be a lot of pain.  I’m trying to not assume that people have perfect bank accounts, marriages, and children regardless of what they choose to say in public.  If they do choose to confide in me, I’m making sure they know what they say is absolutely confidential. 

Gossip can become quickly destructive in this environment.  Several times over the last year I have heard rumors about businesses about to fail that just weren’t true or rumblings about poor decisions made by the owner.  The businesses had been impacted by the economy, but were not in any danger of failing.  Gossip many times is not deliberate, but the result of making assumptions without understanding all of the pertinent information.  But even when it is unintentional, it is just adds more stress to people who are already near a breaking point.  And right now the number of people at that point is staggering.

So I’ve decided to be part of the solution.  My goal is to leave anyone who confides that they are struggling feeling better after talking with me.  Sometimes I can do something very concrete: let them know about a job opening, refer them to a service provider, let them know steps I’ve taken to save money that might help them.  And sometimes my contribution is not so tangible- a kind word, a hug, a few minutes of caring conversation.  I don’t always succeed, but I’m trying to view people through a lens that assumes that there is much more going on in their lives than what I know, and try to be more understanding.

I give what I have, and hope in some small way it helps.