How You Can Help a Grieving Parent

How you can help a grieving parent

Here is the best way I can think of to describe a grieving parent: Imagine a shattered piece of glass, broken into a million tiny little pieces...now imagine that the glass is your heart. There are so many pieces that have to be fit back together. It takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to try and put it back together. When you pick up all those pieces and you think you have it all together, you realize that it looks familiar but it will never be the same piece of glass that it once was. The same is true for every parent who losses a child. They will pick up the pieces of their shattered heart (over time) but it will never be the same, something will always be missing.

As parents, we all have hopes and dreams for our children, when we lose one of them, all of those hopes and dreams are shattered...hopes and dreams are not in in our vocabulary or in our minds. Our world has literally ended, life as we knew it will never be the same. This is not something that is easy to understand and it’s certainly not something we have the strength to try and explain.

I can’t speak for everyone, we all grief differently, but I can speak with first-hand knowledge of the excruciating pain of the sudden loss of a child...It was a beautiful Sunday morning, September 11, 2011 when I walked into my dining room to see two police officers standing there with sorrow seeping from their pores...I knew in an instant, that my life was never going to be the same. It still brings tears to my eyes as I recall that morning. Screaming at the officers “Please don’t say it, please!” Begging them to just take me to my son “I need to be with my son!” Not realizing that my knees had buckled and I had fallen to the floor in agony.

I share this with you not to upset you, but to help you realize the inexpressible pain that you feel in that moment. That pain will always be me and I will never get over it...neither will your loved one. If there is only one thing that you take away from this, let it be an understanding of their reality.

Once you appreciate the reality of what your friend or family member is going through, you can then begin to help them. Their whole world has just been shattered, all rational thoughts are gone. They may try to push you away, not on purpose but remember they will not be able to think clearly for a while. They The best way you can help is by simply being there-by listening and offering a shoulder to cry on. They may tell you stories of their child over and over again, be patient with them, they won’t remember if they already told you that story, they just don’t want anyone to forget their child (it is a fear we all have). Grieving the loss of a child takes time, patience and understanding, there is no quick fix, no one can fix this, so please don’t try to. Just give your friend or family member space to grieve, to yell to scream and to cry and most of all, have no expectations of them.

There are some things better left unsaid, you may have well intentions but here are a few things you should never say to a grieving parent:

• I know how you feel - I’m sorry, no you don’t and that is the last thing they want to hear. Grieving parents feel so alone and unless you have lost a child, you have no idea how they feel, please don’t pretend that you do.

• It’s time to get over it or you should be moving on by now - Some parents will never be able to “move on” and I can tell you that NO parent will ever get over it. Eventually they may be able to appear “normal” again but the abyss in their hearts will remain forever.

• God needed another angel in heaven - He’s in a better place now - Time heals all wounds - At least you still have other children.

Here are some things that people did for me throughout the first year that helped:

• My sister sent a care package with chicken soup and a thinking of you card (I would recommend this after 3 months or so).
• A good friend sent me a book in the mail titled, Tear Soup (I would be recommend this after 3 - 4 months).
• My Mother-in-law (she lives in another state) sent me a card every month for over a year, with a simple note reading, thinking of you, she was 89 at the time and she is still going strong.

One more important thing to remember - as time goes by and you share stories of your own children and their recent activities, we will be there to share in your joy and excitement, but we will also silently mourn our loss. When family and friends join together for celebrations, we will be there smiling and laughing along with you, but we will quietly be missing our child. If you truly want to help a bereaved parent, give them the most precious gift we have left - the gift of memories. We will always want to talk about our children, no matter how much time has passed and no matter how much it may hurt, so please, let it be known that they still live in your heart. We will Love them forever!